Sunday, February 11, 2007

*bimbo's r us*

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with exception to the times i was physhically and sexually abused or rapped, today must have been the worst day ever.
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imagine going out with the One you love and sweetly submit to, to something you were looking foward to (in this case, the celebration of the Chinese New Year, in the oriental side of town). imagine you are going to meet your brother to make up for not having seen him on his birthday. now imagine the One is acting nicely and politely. but He won't hold your hand back. or move His lips when you kiss them. and nudges you off when you go for His shoulder.
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all fucking day long. He got me what i wanted to eat, bought me marshmellows, but no kisses. Not one single fucking kiss.
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the past 48 hours must have been the most silent in my entire life.
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yesterday He told me to shut up. i did. He had to beat me and give me alchool to make me talk again. then i told Him i want to be special, and great at something.
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then He told me i am not special at all, and i am not even as smart as i think i am. That nothing matters.
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that was the last thing that wasnt grunted at me.
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so my face is a mess from weeping, and He left to sleep at His mother's. no, it's not that He can't see me cry. He did for hours, without moving.
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tomorrow is gonna suck. if i am lucky, i'll be able to make it an active day and not stop to think about such things. i must clean the house. i must work out (i am a fat whale and i am not happy about it). i must teach class. i must find some $$$ somewhere because i need the props for my number and medicine. i must mix the songs for my number, create the choreography, sort out what i will wear and rehearse.
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i hate the world today. and yesterday. and tomorrow.
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You know, sometimes You can be a real fucking asshole.
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i hate EVERYTHING about us right now. and i am starting to regret it.
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what if??? (darn those conditional clauses)
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i wanna hurt myself real bad so You can know what it is like. i wanna hurt myself real bad so i can hurt You.
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baka!
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2 comments:

Turing said...

I was cruising around IC and ended up here at your blog. read this entry and... wow. "sorry" isn't anywhere near good enough. That sucks. bad. You prbly don't want any advice and I'm not anyone to give any (especially since I don't have my own daytime talk show...) Anyway. just wanted to let you know that somebody read this and felt something.

Anonymous said...

Surfing around TSR and found your blog. This sounds horrible. I feel sad from reading this.