"find outwhat we all need what we all mean im starting to see someone i dont want to be"
(jets to brazil)
i feel great. i feel lousy. i feel tired of lying in bed. Yesterday i surfed the web. And finished watching GTO. And updated. And surfed the web.
i went to sleep at 9 pm.
and Master is sick, so we cannot play. i feel worthless for there being nothing i can do for Him. i feel restless. i feel very very very bored.
this sucks. and i just can't make myself to anything useful. Anything. Like correcting my students essays or doing my nails. i am worried about my performance. And i know i will stress myself out post wednesday.
at least i decided one of the things i had to. That i will wait till i return to the doctor's to decide on when to go back to work. Which means that since i get paid hourly, my pay for april will be hahaha laughable. Whatever. Next week i enroll in dance lessons and buy work out clothes. And go back to the gym.
but then there is this: http://www.metodista.br/secretaria-academica/transferencias/transferencia-externa/ . i know it's months away. But it costs money, and i have to be sure i will be able to afford college before trying anything.
blah! i think my being online so much is annoying Master. but what else can i do? i feel like crying. It makes me want to cry when He coughs. argh!
maybe i should go back to sleep. i tried playing Animal Crossing, but i even payed off my mortage to Tom Nook and still didn't get drowsy, plus there is a lame fishing contest going on, so i'd rather not.
"i am dreaming of a life and i am dreaming of waking up
there's this anger rising cancer in me standing like a wall between
the waking world i seek and this infected plane of sleep
love come like an axe to all this ice and set me free
there's a black rewarding book
beneath this stiff sheet if you look carefully
noise police white hearse tv air wave methadone
diet contact safe sex antibiotics
for your safety we've taken sharp objects
it's their object to keep you from waking
taste test serenade we dig the grave
lose weight astrologically no money down
for your enjoyment we've excised the dialogue
for your protection we've installed a camera
just keep thinking the same clean thoughts
and keep telling yourself it's allright
i am dreaming of a life and it's not the life that's mine
sickness is a time for hating your neighbors
in their milk flats with five kids too many
having day sex because they're all daughters
(jets to brazil)
i really want a John Willie's tattoo. and maybe something by Pichard, because Master likes him so much.
i feel like nothing.
tomorrow i will make myself useful. will i?
(Master's trip is not for sure. but the perspective is still scary.)
last sunday was so much fun (i mean, the part after the part where i wanted to die)... some photos.
the sunshine beckons me from the outside, and all i can do is wave back. awwww fuck, this was my choice, and it's all for the best.
i wish for so many things... i wish to do this right...
and i am so bored right now i could even watch television
"that's just another thing on my wish list. If i should slide over and under,
you know i just might stay 'till i get it right.
Some people say i'm corny or i'm morbid.
i always thought i was touching, i was tragic.
One man's magic is another's plastic.
Well, which one is it?
Am i sweetness? Am i sickness?
If i say both, you will say i lack commitment.
Of course you're right. Of course i'm right.
But i know can write my way out of this black hole.
Back to all the things that i miss.
Sometimes i don't even know you exist. That's just another thing on my wish list."
(jets to brazil)
i hurt You so bad it hurts. i wish You knew. i wish You loved me back half as much as i love You.
this girl is right (http://suicidegirls.com/members/ASinForHim)... "sing what you can't say"...
My legs don't look that nasty today. What is nasty is that i have been having my period for over a week, and it's finally geting on my nerve. Whatever. Maybe i'll take photos of my bruises. Maybe not. They are kind of nasty.
typing for miles, i know. listening to jets to brazil feels ok. for now.
(Master is the sweetest. He is actually making the chicken burger i was craving. His lack of skill around the kitchen is so damn adorable as it can annoying on my bad days. ohn...)
what makes me thing He is upset at me and makes me feel so lousy is that He rather play videogame than hang out with me. But He also has been in bed a lot, and sick, and i am annoying. And boring. i feel happy when my dog play can amuse Him.
fuck feeling bored. i'll have chocolate milk, eat haribo and watch anime! and if that doesnt help i'll play puyo puyo. and if that doesn't help i'll challange Master to Worms Mayhem! yup!
listening: Jets to Brazil, discography.
eating: chicken burger, plain, with tomatoes.
wearing: compression ankle socks and black boxer briefs.