Insomniac mania

just figured out what I want to tattoo on my knuckles (did anyone ever doubt I wanted tattoed knuckles?).

Supa Diva (heart symbol)

that and tattooing the star fleet insignia on my chest. That would be awesome.

Sick

I hate feeling sick. Specially when I know that is mostly due to anxiety. And maybe/probably/most likely PMS. Sick to the point I can't funcion normally. Sick to the point I'm bed ridden.

I can't afford to be sick.

I shouldn't be this anxious, but I am. Five days of migraine, and now the taquicardia and chest pain. Yeah, I'll have to make time to go to the doctor. But for now I'm trying to function on herbal teas and supplements. I just need to get through this next week.

One week till I present my end of course book. We present. And then it's over.

Or is it?

Wait, what?!

Had an episode this past holiday (we had a holiday on Thursday and one yesterday, so it was a looooooong one) that I could just forget. And I probably will, and as I found it amusing I thought I'd leave it here for future lols.

So I'm perfectly fine with my young busy cute and adorable 오빠. We've been seeing less and less of each other but I've been busy with my burlesque group again, as well, so I'm dealing with feeling lonely the best I can. On Wednesday I was hanging out online when a random korean guy who is living in the country side of São Paulo working with a soccer team added me on facebook. Cool, I thought. Whatever. And as what usually happens when someone is direct and incisive and explicitly sexual in chat, I ended up arranging to meet him. Like... for him to come over.

That took all of a couple days over whatsapp, texts, skype and chatting. What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute accents, high chiseled cheek bones and those tiny tiny eyes. Not to mention that Korean men have awesome bodies.

이거성 (Insung Lee), 27, from a small province in South Korea, wanted to come over on the holiday itself, but I really wanted to see my Oppa first. Cuz I may be a troublemaker but I really hate feeling like a XX (새끼). Sometimes I feel that a lot of Korean men are 새끼 when it comes down to it... but I think I have to try a few more before I can come to a conclusion. As Oppa puts it, our relationship status is "just enjoy". He has his online fling. Felt fair enough.

So 이거성 came over on Friday afternoon, even though I was preparing like crazy for the movie/photo shoot we did on the weekend. Yeah, we wrote, produced and shot a short movie in two days. With no budget. Inspired by a k-pop music video. We're awesome like that. It was AWKWARD! Like whoa! Well, at least for the first 15 minutes, then we kissed and got naked. It was... ok. Didn't blow my mind, but it was fun, and quite kinky. It's fun at times to have sex with someone who CAN'T go on for hours. Cuz 오빠 can. 이거성 could go on and on again, but not hold it for hours. So it was almost like Lee Hi's single... you know... 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. And then ordering dinner (looking back, I'm glad I didn't waste my cooking skills on that 새끼). There was a 5, and we watched Coffee Prince. If you ask me, best part of the whole experience was sleeping on a strong warm shoulder that didn't nudge all night. I guess that's what I miss/want/need the most. I'm sooooo making myself an octopus giant pillow asap.

Saturday morning I woke up super early to get stuff ready for the shoot, as 이거성 slept. I only woke him up after I showered, as it was almost time for my producers to pick me up. After he showered, I went at it again, since I do love morning sex. So that was 6. Well, his count. I came much less than usual on this rendezvous. He left (and maybe he felt upset I didn't cancel my plans to keep him company till he had to meet his friend? Who knows?) and we exchanged a couple more texts on whatsapp and that was that. I went off into work mode. Later the housemate told me she didn't like him. That my 오빠 is much cuter and hotter (I do agree, but he's also much more of a boy), and polite. That 이거성 made a huge mess in the bathroom after showering and didn't flush right. Whatever. Not gonna see that 새끼 again anyways.

The shoot went on. Saturday was for writing the script and prepping most of the sets. Sunday started super early and that was 15 hours of work with no time for eating, and well worth it. So I just remembered to check on 이거성 yesterday, in the morning. You know... I'm a curious gal. And I like having friends.

Well, guess who blocked me on facebook? Omo... Who's invisible on skype? And guess who doesn't care? To be fair enough, I deleted his texts and phone number, just so that I won't feel inclined to poke at his manly pride. No need for that. I mean... It was pretty random, but I had thought that he had enjoyed the whole thing enough. What-ever. I find it amusing and totally fucked up. Do Korean men really go that low for a one night stand? I really don't care. But I would be happy to know that there are nice, warm, romantic, and sweet guys in such a culture as well. Because I get being work oriented/obsessed. But that doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. 

Guess things are better this way. I'm still texting 오빠, who is busy with work and college. I have my own stuff going on. Yesterday we had an awesome, hilarious, video shoot. And I started watching Boys before Flowers. Aigooo... I shouldn't have. I need to cam/work/make money. But I also can make do with fictional romance. And that's how I make it work.

I'm really amused. Like...

Ok... here are some photos.

writing our script over lunch and beer

my trashed burlesque look

I'm the pirate queen, bitches!

At yesterday's shoot. Aegyo burlesque, anyone?

Treating myself (nicely)

After a relaxing weekend with Oppa actually sleeping over on Saturday and spending Sunday afternoon with me, junk food, beers and sex (and exploring new things as well) I had some errands to run today.

I've been styling my pink hair so it's even cuter. And today I went and bought more accesories. If there is something I can't live without that's hair bows.

Sunday morning I was going to get a bit jealous of Oppa's online fling posting a photo of his on facebook. Then I realized that all she can do is post photos, since she lives far far away. He spent the night with me. He sees me most days. She can post all the photos she want's, I'm the only making love to him.

I was actually going to go out yesterday, so I got dolled up, but as I was leaving the house Oppa said he was coming over so we went to the market to buy beer, icecream and snacks and spent most of the afternoon watching K-drama. Well, kind of. After a couple beers, he fell asleep as I was taking care of his skin. I like spoiling that boy. When he woke up, things got hot. Real hot. Hot enough to make my legs turn to jelly.

It was a nice weekend. On Friday I shot part of this month's episode of my videocast, danced, drank a lot and slept all morning on Saturday. Then I got cabin fever, went to one of my favorite places for the view, hanged out with a couple acquaintances, hanged out by my self (which I don't mind at all), had some beers with Oppa and his best friend, and slept with Oppa. Sunday was K-drama, yummy snacks and <3 .="." p="p">

shooting Cozinha ao Ponto #6

hair style

the pin thing is inspired by Spica's new MV

Mayanna and I at the club

My producers brought me a Spock t-shirt from the US. 

my idea of a good time. Headphones, a great view, nice weather , candy and something to read

street food. And beer.

Sunday look

My favorite tempura for lunch today... it's the size of my head. Almost.

Coffee and a tiny macaron at my favorite sweets shop

banana cream and chocolate

Today's haul. Well, the extras.

Accessories. And candy.

love gifts that come in the mail. <3 ballet="ballet" td="td">

 Hey, I'm trying to hold back the aegyo. Nah, I'm not.

And since I want to turn myself into a spoiled brat, today I had to go buy fabric for the bags for our books from college. I bought some fun rings, hair bows, candy and lots of yummy stuff at Liberdade. Yay for Asian ingredients... <3 a="a" also="also" and="and" arrived="arrived" awesome.="awesome." ballet="ballet" fan.="fan." from="from" gift="gift" gochujang="gochujang" my="my" on.="on." p="p" quite="quite" so="so" tofu="tofu">
I'm not feeling it to sew right now. Gonna take the rest of this rainy gray day to rest and watch some tv shows.

Tomorrow I gotta start working online again. My $ is running out and the debts piling up. But that's tomorrow. Gotta enjoy my good mood when I got it.

Cabin fever, day 2

It's the second day I'm antsy with cabin fever. Go figure. Maybe it's that my college ordeal is almost over? I've kind of bit indulging well in food and drink, and thanks to my graduation project I don't really have the money, but who cares? A beer here and there, I can make do with the bills later.

Funny how this works. I was gonna post this, in portuguese (well, the essence), on facebook. But then I thought a bit more about how directly it will bug some people I know. So screw them.

I can spend 3, 4 days at a time without wanting or needing to leave the house. But then every once in a while I get bit by this little bug that reminds me just how cool is the world out there. And I don't even need that much company to enjoy it.

Seriously, I pity those who aren't comfortable in their own company. How sad and lonely it must be to not be enough to oneself. If you always need other people so that you can be distracted of how shallow you actually are, I pity you.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the company of many different people. I just enjoy mine more.

I'm almost done with Secret Garden. Gonna make something yummy to eat and finish off this Drama.

x_x

Yesterday Oppa managed to spend the night. I don't know what to make out of that kid. He's nice. And sweet. But even though he'll taunt me and tease me saying he's the mature one among the both of us, I'm not so sure. Or is he that comfortable with me that he'll fall asleep almost everytime during sex? Aish... 어떡해?

Seriously, 어떡해? Maybe it's the alchohol. Gonna figure this out, eventually.

they broke the mold

wow, that's a record. One week. And those are some pretty strong feelings. At least oppa was honest in that he is in a virtual relationship with someone else and doesn't want/can't have any stronger ties.

He's the kind of guy I really really really want to be friends with. So... I don't know what to do next. I guess the best thing would be nothing. Maybe I'd be better off friendzoning the world. Or being an XX.

Being a hopeless romantic is painful.

At least he has flaws. Everyone does. Me, I'm huge now, as prove last Saturday's photos. Aish, maybe I should stop skipping periods. Him? He's always tired so the moment he relaxes and has a couple beers he'll fall asleep during sex. Been there, done that. But sometimes it's a bit insulting.

One week and I've cried already. Awell, I'm just gonna get back to my online work soon enough and that should do wonders for my self esteem. Or not.

Damn, such a pity. I'll hang on a little longer. We are a wonder team in the kitchen.


x-x

One of the considerations that came to mind is how relationships mold us. Yeah, I'm back on that "all the affection we got is going somewhere, sooner or later, no matter who" key again. But a little deeper. Because relationships also change us. And if they do change us, what do we do with the expectations we learn to have once they are over? What do I do with the person I have become because of the girl and the Mister?

x-x

I really really really really really want a fresh start, and to be housemates with my brother. This woman.... We're all broke, girl. Staying in bed all day and being a slob won't change that.

x-x

On a happy note, my long lost best friend from 11 years ago found me online today. So happy! Can't wait to go visit my parents and do a ton of catching up.

x-x

Gonna fall asleep to more romantic ridiculousness. Oh, Secret Garden. At least you bring romance to my life.

x-x
Seriously, when is it gonna be my turn?

that nagging little voice in the back of my head...

me and my frigging trust issues. I never know when to believe the little voice in the back of my head. Which right now is saying that yes, I will get hurt and yes, it will be fun.

Just because at the same time Oppa is super sweet and fun, he also has a million things going on. I respect that. And he's young, Which is great, he works very hard and still has a lot of energy. But the damn cell phone. I guess I'll just stop leaving mine on silent and ignoring it when we're together.

This was one magical three day weekend. With plenty of drama (watching it, of course), candy, yummy Korean beef, ssam, soju, and sex. And I learned important things about Oppa. Like that it's hard to wake him up once he falls asleep. That he is crazy about my hips. And if he's relaxed/tired enough, he'll fall asleep during sex. Yeah, that happened. Twice. But I'm not judging. It's not like I've never done that. And besides that, the sex is pretty epic.

It all feels very bittersweet. Oppa is cute, fun, sings and looks like a hallyu idol and has the exact amount of dominance during sex that I enjoy. What? A girl can't like having her hair firmly held? But as it did come up, liking each other and such, that's just it. His life is complicated, my life is complicated. He did see me performing on Saturday (I need to work on that young thing's references) and I didn't really ask him how it made him feel. Or if we're exclusive. I'm trying to hold on to every cute sweet moment, but that does make things a bit bitter.

Damn you Korean dramas and the unrealistic romantic expectations you set. So the plan is to keep mine as low as possible, enjoy this as much as I can, work my schedules in a way that I can be free when he has free time (after all he works 12 hours a day and goes to college. My life is easier) and keep myself busy and interesting. Oh, and blow off for good the girl (I just don't know how, I feel like such a jerk) and most of my other flirts. Just too much work. Or maybe I shouldn't? Aigoo.

Its a bit strange to be hanging out with someone who is also in showbusiness. Gonna make the best of this. Maybe I should ask him to teach me to make my clothes disappear on stage... such a cute little magician!

Aish, back to Secret Garden. Tomorrow I return to my diet and excercise, firmly and trully. If I'm only gonna obsess about Asian men now I better look the part.

Weekend playlist, aka songs he's been singing and that are now stuck in my head:

Big Bang - Bad Boy

G-Dragon - Crayon



G-Dragon - That XX



Gain - Bloom

cute overdose... and a much needed rest

Yes, you can overdose on cute. OMG, I had a cute cute sweet day, and it was almost perfect. It just wasn't perfect because Young Lae 오빠 had to leave. I'd say it should feel ridiculously strange to call someone 10 years younger than me 오빠. But it doesn't. Not now.

I'm gonna try to keep my head on and consider this having a very good friend with lots of benefits  Yeah, that kind of benifits. I mean.. I did have a k-drama worthy dinner at home, cooking together, eating from the same dishes, feeding each other and all. He has the loveliest voice and we went over some G-Dragon tunes. Sweet. I got a future idol 오빠.

Fun story. I've been stalking the local kpop community online, but hadn't gone to say hi at my favorite study place (where they also gather to rehearse) or done much but was looking forward to going to this A-Pop party tomorrow night. Young Lae 오빠 is not only actively involved in said community, but I'd say he's idol material for the fan girls in it. Hell yeah. But I could swear he was gay. Is. Whatever. So... not... true.

He's a diva. That's how we started talking online, a few days ago. Then texting. And we finally met last night when he came over before I went to work as a hostess. You know when you're flirting but not sure you're flirting? That.

I put off going to Zombie Walk this year to take a break from life. A much needed break. Got home, slept, woke up, showered, weighed myself, put some light makeup on and went to the market. Met oppa there, bought lots of yummy ingredients, had 떡 for brunch and started a Secret Garden marathon. Cuddles, hugs, and finally kisses. Its so much fun to talk to someone who knows a lot about the stuff I like. And the xx. It had been over a month. Sweet pounding. Sweet orgasms. And dinner.

He's soooooooo cute. One moment he's super girly and a dancing diva, the next he's got that serious manly look on. Nice body, cute face, with a sense of style. Strong. Sweet. Ok, there was one thing bothering me.. the phone. Mine, I put on silent and ignored it all day. Way I see it, we're both a couple of sweet 새끼. KISS, Sweetie. A Korean guy is a good way of getting over a Japanese man. But oppa is worth a lot more as a friend.

I'm thankful for today.

weight: 65 kg! (not after todays tteok!)