*ni*

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i had an enourmous post, but blogger ate it. fuck!

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to sum it up. i'm tired.
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*and now for something completely similar*

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not really. sipping cold ginger and apple tea, listening to Tom Jobim and Elis Regina while i look up recipes for dinner. because i decided to take some pressure off, before i crash
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i felt like an adult today. it didn't feel good.
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but i made this absurdely delicious lunch. i felt so proud of myself. and its not even really caloric. i rock!
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yeah, right.
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guess i'm kinda up cuz despite feeling shitty all day from the exam this morning and the busy afternoon, going to the supermarket just for chili, i also scheduled my surgery.
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if everything goes as planned, i go into the hospital tuesday, 6:30 am. and my leg will no longer kill me.
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with the bonus i get a short (though not paid for) vacation. i will have to stay home for at least a week, and not walking means i wont be able to push myself too hard, which means i will actually rest.
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which means i have the next 3 days to put everything running as it should around here, so things are perfect even when i am in pain in bed and Master is at work. (uh, that thought is a bit scary).

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and now, to my first attempt at tortillas, served with my prized guacamole and another first try: salsa. i wont go for chili because i dont feel like taking the trouble of making beans. i deserve to be a bit lazy after such a fucking crazy week.
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sucks to eat it alone though.
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i miss my Master.
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a lot.
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*washed out*

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all too honestly, its how i feel. i look like a ghost, i had blood taken from me twice this week for exams and i am not exactly the healthiest person at any moment.
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not only that, i am on a hideous diet for another exam that includes 60 grs of fat per day, till sunday. i'm screwed. and i was so glad i lost 3 kg since last week.
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anyway, at least i am cooking and eating food, not only snacks or junk food. actually, i haven't touched anything unhealthy since sunday night, and it's starting to limit my options. thanks to my brilliant work colleague, i figured out how to include healthy oils in my diet. Avocado. And sesame. i made yakissoba yestereday for lunch (i started the diet yesterday) and for dinner, risoto. it was exactly 60 grs. today it'll be aubergine caneloni and fried fish with mushrooms for lunch, texmex for dinner. i guess tomorrow i'll have to go mideast or i wont be able to fill my "fat" quota for the day.
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i made a purse, that looks completely different from the original design, and am half way thru a jumper. let's see if it will be wearable. i desiged a lovely tweed dress, but i don't think i am capable of that sort of stuff. dunno.
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i caught up with long overdue laundry. everything is in place. but i havent really rested much this week. so i'm glad its over, although i have a full afternoon. meetings, class, more meetings, and then to the doctors to schedule my surgery.
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and nothing else important happened. bland. i could scream out of boredom. but i am too tired for it.
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i hope i have time to work out today or tomorrow. it makes me feel better.
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i miss Him. a lot. but i'm too washed out to be good company. and i thought the healthy food would make me feel better. maybe it takes longer to work.

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whatever.
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all work and no play makes me a very sad and ugly lady.
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don't i deserve a drink?
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as for the weekend, Master is out so i stay in. But i will just spend tomorrow working and sewing, and sunday is clean up and doll up day, because He returns on monday. Yeah, i'll be pretty tired by then.
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blah!
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and mondays are always soooo terrible. next monday i must go back to the health clinic, i have class, and i have a doctors appointment, all in the morning. then i have class in the afternoon and at night. Master will defintely be greeted by the ghost of me. And there isn't much i can do about it.
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*you gotta eat your spinach baby*

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"You've gotta eat your spinach baby
That's the proper thing to do
It'll keep you kind of healthy too
And what it did for Popeye it'll do for you

You've gotta eat your spinach baby
It'll give you lots of TNT
For whenever you're caressing me
Cause you'll need lots of vitamins from A-Z
...
You've gotta eat your spinach baby
If you do you can't go wrong'
Cause it's gonna make you nice and strong
And the stronger you are the longer you'll live
And the longer I'll have to love you

(Shirley Temple)
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spinach:
Pronounced:SPIHN-ihch
A dark green leaf vegetable with slightly bitter taste is a rich source of vitamin A, C and iron. Depending on the variety the leaves can be flat or curly (called savoy). Dishes which end in "a la Florentine" have spinach as a key ingredient.plural: spinach
Ingredient
Season: available year-round
How to select: Available year round, but peak local season is May to August. Select bunches with crisp, dark leaves. Avoid limp bunches and yellowing leaves. Thin stems are also preferable over thick stems which indicates the spinach has been overgrown. Spinach may also be purchased canned or frozen.
How to store: In a plastic bag in the refrigerator for 3 days.
How to prepare: Often gritty, spinach must be thoroughly rinsed, but only do so right before cooking. boil, puree, saute
Matches well with: anchovies, bacon, butter, cardamoom, carrots, cheese, chiles, chives, cream, cumin, curry, eggs, fish, garlic, ginger, ham, hollandaise sauce, horseradish, leeks, lemon, lemongrass, mint, mushrooms, mustard, nutmeg, nuts, olive oil, olives, onions, oranges, pepper, raisins, sour cream, soy, sugar, tarragon, tomatoes, vinegar, yogurt
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Nutrition Facts Calculated for 1 bunch

Calories 78 Calories from Fat 11
Amount Per Serving %RDA
Total Fat 1.3g 2%
Saturated Fat 0.2g 1%
Polyunsat. Fat 0.6g
Monounsat. Fat 0.0g
Cholesterol 0mg 0%
Sodium 268mg 11%
Potassium 1897mg 54%
Total Carbohydrate 12.3g 4%
Dietary Fiber 7.5g 29%
Protein 9.7g 19%
Vitamin A 31881mcg 637%
Vitamin B6 0.7mg 33%
Vitamin B12 0.0mcg 0%
Vitamin C 95mg 159%
Vitamin E 6mcg 21%
Calcium 336mg 33%
Magnesium 268mg 67%
Iron 9mg 51%
(from http://www.recipezaar.com/library/getentry.zsp?id=301)
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obviously, i'm eating a nice big plate of it.
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*pretty in pink*

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blah!
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i'm not that inspired to write. i want to sew. but i am lazy.

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i hate not being productive. at least i worked out today.

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given that Master is away till monday, i have changed everything around here into pink, so i wont risk feeling blue.

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i lost more weight. i thought i had put some on. it's so freaky.

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again. blah!

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me in my granny nighty and pink bunny slippers. love them!

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"I'm a stitch away from making it
And a scar away from falling apart, apart
Blood cells pixelateAnd eyes dilate
And the full moon pills got me out on the street at night
Cut it loose

Watch you work the room
Cut it loose
Watch you work the room
Cut it loose
Watch you work the room
Cut it loose
Watch you work the room"

The (after) life of the party - fall out boy
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*not attested in the literature*

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warning: i strongly do not recomend chinese water chestnut drink. argh.

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make way for the queen of hearts.
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. friday had been great, we even went to the movies, me being tired and all. last night was pretty dramatic. after going to the park and buying chocolate with His daughter, we had dinner with His mother, and stayed there till the girl fell asleep. Around 2 am we went out, we had fun, i danced, and puttered when at 5 am He wanted to leave (i'm a rave kid, i can dance for 10 hours without any real effort). All that seemingly simple, but led to a two hour long discussion which included me crying my heart out (i had melted mascara on my forehead by the time i calmed down), and slashing my arm in front of Him, as one of my desperate measures.
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i dont remember all i said (dry vermouth, pisco and absinth do that, you know) but i think i said it all. or most of it. that sometimes He is a schmuck, that seeing His ex in college while i am not studing makes me feel angry (i know, i'm selfish and egocentric.). i dont mind that much being a horrible person you know. by now, i pretty much dont care about what others think. specially about me.
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or do i?
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i guess i do.
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but He knows how much i love Him. and that i don't understand men. so things are ok now. specially after some whipping and caning and fucking. but He will only be back in 8 days.
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it will be a lonely week.
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(no matter how hard i try, i really can't seem to trully enjoy Bad Religion)
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*pink lady*

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i have a secret to share.
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not that it is a secret. but once upon a time i was known as "pink", and my world and everything around me was touched by that colour and it's vibe.
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i want it back. i grew up a bit and started to use red, but it's not really me. well, it is. red and pink, and even leopard print now. but cute is what i aim for. cute is what matters.
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(busy editing photos)

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tomorrow i have a medical exam, then i hope for a pink shopping afternoon. i wanna...

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tonight i want to make things feel ok again. no matter what it takes.

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and then, as soon as i feel like it, i'll post photos.
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now, pink!

(kids playing in the japanese section of town)
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"How will I drink from that stream
How will my heart sing your praise
How will I lay down in green grass fields
When my soul is so afraid to

Rejoice."

(the last word is Rejoice - mineral)
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*doing it wrong*

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i'm going through mood swings again. it sucks.

i was feeling fantastic this morning, then i turned blue. then great again. then i learned i was "cut" from the next edition of the party i usually do, but i know it's cuz i'm getting surgery soon. i'm pms'ing as well, and i feel guilty. very guilty. i did something to myself to hurt Him because i was so devastated... and now i just can't tell Him.
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i took these photos a while ago. for those who have little or no idea of what it is like, this is what it is to be a hypomaniac cyclothymic bipolar.
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"enjoy":

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i hate feeling shitty with touched up roots. so much for my hair.
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ok, editing so i try to be more optimistic.
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last friday was the performance. i made pasties for the outfit, and i am proud of the result. i may make money with that, i guess. as for the show, it went well, although i missed my cue and couldn't find the stage exit for like 30 seconds, that being only in my undies. sweet.
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saturday i worked, and Master and i had lunch at a lovely italian restaurant. We watched "idiocracy" at night, at His mother's, and after went out for some beers. We both fell asleep a bit during the show. :P
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Sunday started out well. Just the other day Master told me He loves me and i had been floating on a big fat white cloud ever since. We slept in, did "it", then picked up His daughter and went to the japanese quarter. Nice, i bought new makeup and a great pair of new earphones, had sashimi and sushi (yum yum), and all that. But Master snapped when we were returning, both at me and the girl, and it was ugly. so i went and did something stupid, but then things were ok, so now i feel even more stupid.
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On monday my "boss" gave me a purse, because it looked a lot like me. she is sweet. i always get exhausted on mondays, classes, and tending the house. by the end of the day, everything was clean and in place. and i even cooked dinner.
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today was ok, despite the mood swings. i had an extra class, and worked out. i feel fat and ugly. its probably just pms, or everyone else is blind.
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i don't know what will happen when the shit hits the fan. i hope it doesnt. i feel bad enough already.
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shit.
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list moment.

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things getting me down:

- feeling ugly and fat

- looking fat

- not having time or energy to make new clothes

- not being able to buy books on burlesque cuz the freaking shipping costs more than the books themselves

- doing something really stupid

- not being an SG (and having to wait till april for the next try)

- this painful varicose vain (which i will get surgery for)

- bad eating habits (as in eating once a day, almost every day)

- not having any performances booked.

- not taking dance classes (i'm waiting for that surgery to start those)

- being out of college and seeing my old classmates near graduation, while i'm still stuck to teaching english

- a big ugly bruise on my arm from the endoscopy's sedative.

- being myself.

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i really should count my blessings. but...
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i'm too poor spirited to do so?
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*they call it epiphany*

*strongly sedated**
just got back from my endoscopy. seems like i am 100% healthy, which makes me wonder what the pains and cramps mean.
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well, as soon as i do all the other exams i'll have an idea.
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...
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i hardly slept last night. i watched "the great ziegfeld", from 1936, and the thing is 3 hours long. the result were many pauses to write down ideas and download stuff.
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defintely, show biz is the place for me. those numbers were all so beautiful i actually cried.
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...

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i have absolutely NO body awareness. it is so strange, that i don't feel my body as mine, i have little conciousness of my movements and the contact with exterior objects. Plus, my body image is screwed up. i thought i had put on weight. i lost a couple kg.

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to be totally honest, i am afraid of food. afraid of my eating disorder. afraid of not being able to stop. and that is why i skip so many meals.

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oh well. i am just so drowsy.

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*infamous*

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a lot has gone on. either i burn myself too fast and feel numbed, or i just feel numbed. the only moments of comfort lately have been His arms.
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but the Mr. Man is stranded at work, while the Yakissoba i cooked is stiff cold on the kitchen sink. i eat figs.
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i love figs. they are so sinful.

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on the random side as well, i am worried about my madonna labret. i had some problems with the other jewel i was wearing, and it ripped my gum a bit. it hurts, that's all.
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for the first time in a while i forced myself to edit some photos and take others. i still have to take some vanilla, but those can wait.
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i should be getting to bed by now.
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maybe.
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it's lonely without Him.
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oh yes, i taught an extra class today. then people wonder why the world is as it is today. my fault?

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we are all going to hell.
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i work there this friday.
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and something is definetly wrong. i'm listening to metallica. i'm a punk rocker, for heaven's sake!
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"So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps"
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*what's cookin'?*

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the past week was crazy. but its over.
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so... my next performance is a french maid that gets carried away by the music then surprised by the boss. should i continue from there, or end it at that moment?
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suggestions are more than welcome, ya know.
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*breather*

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before i go mad
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10 minutes between coming home from a morning long training and going to the doctor.
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argh!
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sometimes it sucks to be a grown up.

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*random snapshots*

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i ate the sweetest plum ever yesterday. i bought some at the street market that there is nearby on wednesday mornings. i ate another this morning, and had Master taste it. i feel happy when He eats fruit.
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the only time in my life i ever felt sexy and couldn't care less about cute was the brief period between 11 and 13. It was from the moment my body developed (and i actually looked 18), big breasted, curvy waist and waist long dirty blond hair to the moment i was sexually abused for the first time. after that i started to hate sexy.
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the sunrise today was a beautiful mix of reds, oranges, yellows, scarlet and blue. it filled my heart with light. then i fell back asleep.
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yesterday i had some "Golden Boy" moments.

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i got home in time to see Master off to work today. i shined His shoes and tied them, and kissed Him goodbye in my lingerie and black jeans. He felt happy. and it's His 36th birthday, today.
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when i went to the bathroom this morning, i was 110% sure something would kill me, something that would crawl out of the toilet. so much for reading Stephen King till 2 am.
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i read for an hour on the treadmill. i feel guilty when i don't work out. and even more guilty when i watch MTV on the stairmaster.
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i feel like making strawberry pie. But Master loves cheesecake. so i better be off to go get some Philadelphia Cream Cheese and kosher strawberry jam (for some reason i prefer the kosher variety).
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last night i felt like wearing mascara and black eyeliner to teach class. probably why i look like a zombie right now. i rarely take off my makeup.
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even more random... the soap His mother gave me has the most fascinating lemon grass smell (which i love), so i put it in my lingerie drawer. now all my underwear smells like lemon grass.
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which makes me crave for ginger and lime tea. yum.
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...
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random.
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i may take pictures today. i haven't taken the pictures i want because if i decide to use the theme for SG, well, it will have gone to waste. but it's a freaking great theme.
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on with thursday. i can't believe its already today.
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...
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not random: i want to create a burlesque number involving a french maid dress. i have no ideas of theme and music, much less props. any suggestions are welcome, at any of the blogs. or email me.
(which means if i do use a suggested idea, the dear person will get access to the video of it on youtube. ain't i nice?!!!)

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cold coffee, with skimmed milk and sweetner please. yes, stirred, not shaken.
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ON THE ROCKS!
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happy b-day, Goshujin-Sama!!!
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