*...if i were Him*

*
sure enough, He came home. One or two sweet kisses, and He is besides me. Playing Yoshi.
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if i were Him, i would make me go. (and of course, i never tell Him these things)

*

*(dancing shoes)*

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so... big question. Do i go on a mind-blowingly boring trip with Master, His mother and daughter or stay home for a mindblowingly holiday? Anyways, it will be boring. But given my low argh! treshold, the first option is potencially dangerous. Oh, so fucking tired of being bored!
*
and now, to a hot shower, clean PJ's, and if i overcome laziness, pulling out my PIU mat to blow out my dancing needs.

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these shoes were made for dancing:

*

hum... so, edited to add that after a nice hot shower, i have a blond moment. i cannot play Pump it Up, because my game is american and the PS2 is european. not for blonds, definitelly.
*
edited again. 10:40 pm. i got off my lazy ass to make dinner and am still waiting for Master to arrive. i feel like hitting Fun House cuz of the shows going on tonight, but probably Master will come home and take the computer, and i will fall asleep (again) while i wait for Him to give me some attention. Just like the past two nights. No, i don't loathe the PC for it, i am as much as an addict as Him. i just feel lonely, and when a girl like me starts feeling lonely for too long, things get dangerous.
*
but now i have a pink vibrator, so maybe not.
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which makes me think of how He got a bit upset at my addiction to flirting. i just can't help myself, it's soooooooo much fun.
*
the blondness... i just realized that duh! SG is a porn website. And i'm like, i wanna do porn. Yup. That's what happens when one stays out of the mainstream long enough. These "abominable" things such as porn and stripping seem cool and hip. Modern values?
*
i miss my gigs.
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(argh! i'm so bored i could cry)
*

*boys wanna be her*

*

*
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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i'm bored sick out of my mind! Master is still at work, and listening to Peaches "impeach my bush" only makes me want even harder to put on a short skirt and get drunk!
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argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i'm young and bored, so what is new?
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damn!
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i wanna do stupid and silly and funny things. i wanna have drinking contests! i wanna have a horrible headache in the morning.
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i even hanged out for almost two hours at work because conversation was more fun. i slept all day. it's like whatever.
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maybe it's a good idea to put that sake on ice.
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maybe Master doesnt realize it, i just did myself. like, we REALLY have to go shopping, and i cant go alone. so, if He travels tomorrow and since He is still at work now, when the hell will we go shopping.
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being sober is so damn boring!
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blah!
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impeach my bush. been a long time i don't have a soregasm.
*

*exit this world. enter the next*

*
quick update. i fell asleep after my first class and woke up at 2 pm. so i am late on my schedule for the day.
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actually, the most important thing to say is that i finally figured out why SG is such a fucking big deal. because i need all the love i can get, and i get a lot of love from that website, even not being an SG.
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some people know it. my ex did. my Master doesnt seem to care.
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which probably explains why i feel so lonely these days:

http://www.fotolog.com/miss_sweetie

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i had no idea of how hard i was working to convince myself i am happy.
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being happy is an ambition i havent been giving much attention to. but i must run now.
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i have put my entire life on hold for this surgery, as if it had magical powers or something. as if something told me things would all fix themselves after it.
*
i'll respect that instinct. but i will sort things out up to the end of this month. it will have been a year by may 1st. As far as i know it, there is no turning back for me. i already have a slave tattoo, even without the branding. But there are a lot of "if's" and "but's" down this road, darling dear.
*
give me love here, so then i'll spend more time using this blog!
*

*swinging to the rythm of those old familiar blues*

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i know well enough that fighting these feelings with caffeine is not a good idea. But it's my only option, i guess.
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i'm not ok. i promise.
*
being cyclothymic makes feelings and sensations even more confusing. Am i sad? Is it dysthymia? i never know.
*
i am sad. Immenselly. More than i can take. It hurts. It makes everything else hurt. My body, my heart, the painful sensation of a foot crushing my heart. The helpless desperation. The silent screaming, running through my body. The outbursts of tears. The urge to stick my nails into my flesh, to crash into a wall, to jump out a window. Argh! The exhaustion. The desire to disappear. The binging. The self-pity. i want to run, run, run, but i cannot get on my feet.

*
i was hoping to escape this crisis whilst recovering from surgery, but surgery is postponed till the a-holes from the health insurance let me do it. So no.
*
i panic under pressure. i don't respond well to stress. It takes me from one to two days to assimilate new elements to an equation. i feel like i could drop everything i pick up.
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so thank You for the venom. i am glad You are home. i am thankful for the gifts.
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(and You never know when to stop).
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please tell me THEY will never hurt me.
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i need praise. i need the walking 10 extra miles to do something better than trash. my best is never enough. i need being told to try harder, and i need being stopped from quitting. i am a quitter. i am a procrastinator. i am a lazy unworthy bitch.
*
i need being acknowledged. And i need a hug.
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but none of these will ever be mine. So i'll just stay in the dark till i forget who i am, i'll turn up the covers and the volume so i will no longer be able to hear my thoughts.
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i'll let You get the best of me. No matter what way i look, the options hurt too fucking much. So i'll choose not to choose.
remember?
*
"So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill"

"and well I find it hard to stay,
with the words you say
Oh baby let me in"
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Let me in. It's cold and dark and scary on this side of the door.
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but You couldn't possibly know.
*

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