*(takes my pain away)*

*

must get courage... must get up...
although its a holiday... chaos surrounds me, and fills my heart.
Master will be away till tomorrow, so i must use this time. But i must say just how tempted i am too stay in bed and eat chocolate snowflakes from the box while i watch anime and listen to Jimmy Eat World.

.

if photoshop cooperates, i'll just edit the weekend pics for now.
...
my insides are a mess. Believe me.
...

and never be afraid again...

listening: bleed american - jimmy eat world
wearing: black jeans and grey bra
eating: chocolate snowflakes
mood: confused.
*

*just me*

*

truth is, i need some time alone. PMS and all, medical exams, gigs, feeling guilty for the uncivilized behaviour of a certain person. My period is a couple days away and i feel really upset.

super upset.ok, maybe sad defines it better.

*
self-centered anti-social selfish schmucks make me... argh!Not to mention the uncivilized. How hard is it to be polite and show some empathy? Why do some people have to be rude all the time?

*
and it is me that feels bad about it. i really shouldnt bother anymore, but my image is tainted in such events. And i always try so hard to be a sweetie... i even was stiching up the girls last night.

*
anyway... this week i got blonder. And now i am adding a little colour to my life. Some violet, to be exact.

.

this week i also started my lingerie course. i can't wait to get good at it!

...

last friday was ok. The cake. Despite the stress of it. And the horible thing He said. No, i'm not over it yet.

...

last night the Audi party went well too... dancing in latex can sure be fun. And i enjoy impersonating the blond Muse sooooo much... oh Marilyn. i just hope not to lose myself in the process.

...

i should start eating again. Yesterday i was extremely irresponsible, drawing blood in the morning and not eating till the early night. i guess its just a habit i need to acquire again.

...

i finally got to spend some time and have a real conversation with the lovely Karina/Fascinatrix. We looked so good together... i should have taken my cam to the dressing room, silly me.

***
tomorrow is Luxuria. And because a certain person feels insecure about my sexuality (no, not me) i wont perform. Ok, i get to be a cigarette girl from the 1920's. The more different experiences i have, the better.

...

when friends of mine are no longer friends among themselves, i feel lost.

*

i crave new ink. And piercings.

(and i can't believe i have no money left. :( )

...

and love. New or old, just sheer old-fashioned well-behaved Quixotic LOVE.

...

this chaos is getting all of me. The best of me. i need to hear from someone that i can do it, i can do this. No, i don't believe in myself, so i need others to.

...

who is sweetie? who am i?

*

i should be doing other things...

...

like prepping for class, or my costume for tomorrow.

*

time for class. Damn this hangover!

*
i am tired of always feeling cold. i definitely must be sick.
*

*new number suggestions*

*
the fetish party is cumming, ops coming, up again and well, i need suggestions for my number.

it must involve:

- liquid latex

- a fetish theme of some kind, that i havent used yet.

- burlesque elements

- clothes that can be made to be disposable.

i must have developed it by thrusday, so i have time to rehearse. Suggestions, anyone?

and now off to the gym before i lose my mojo. It's gonna be a long week, but god did is start off well...

*

*Up and down and roundabout and out the back*

*
i'm freaking exhausted. Monday was... mondays are always a bitch. And i had a hangover. Don't even get me started on the sunday night episode at Master's cousins wedding. Blah! And to think it made me feel bad about myself all monday.

...

tuesday. Yesterday? Wow, seems like weeks ago. Spent the day out buying fabric and sewing supplies, bought new piercings, taught class, had dance class. Yes, chaos. And i enrolled in the lingerie course, so i start sewing next week.

...

and that phone call. So now i have a double show at Pacha - http://www.pachasp.com.br/pacha.shtml, an electronic music club, on friday. Great... great pay. Huge club. And i get to climb out of a giant wooden cake. And do a fan dance. But... this things freak me out.

...

so today after doing the grocery shopping for the week at the street market and giving myself a gift of something i needed (in this case, a make-up case), i spent two hours in a train, two subways and a bus to get to the club. Yeah, from one suburb to another.

...

the meeting, and the commute, plus my evening class took my day away. My feet are killing me, i am exhausted and i dont feel sleepy. Darn that adrenaline...

...

if i don't sleep i will look like this again on friday:

...

and tomorrow will be hardcore again. i NEED to dye my hair, but i guess that will have to wait till sunday. Oh, the drama...

...

Next week i dance at the launch of a new Audi model in Sao Paulo. Yep, le freak c'est chic.

...

because this song has been on my mind all day (and this band + marilyn manson have taken over my mp3 player):

"I've been feeling dull as a coat hanger
Pretty as a picture of a patient on a fresh iv
Giddy as a gangbanger with a set of sutures where his magic johnson ought to be

Yes i'll tell you just the thing you need to be the next big thing
Let's start in with a test of your intelligence
And zest for the counter-productive
Up and down and roundabout and out the back
And keep your mouth shut tight
The lights are staying out but no sweat
I've got aim like a mack truck
Guess how many fingers ok guess how many more i can fit there
Guess right get the toaster but you know, miss, guessing gets you nowhere

I've been baking cakes for the enemy

I've been dying to find out the hard way

Ive been taking friends to the alleyway

Two down now but who's counting anyway?"

(Mandy goes to med school - The Dresden Dolls)

*

mood: expectant exhaustion but actually delighted by having so much to do.

mantra: i will make it through the next two weeks.

living off chocolate and trying not to get myself dehydrated.

and its obscene how much i crave a McChicken with a McSalad right now.

*

*"Every woman knows all about everything." (Rudyard Kipling)*

*
i want to tattoo "and never be afraid again", on my slashed up left forearm.
*