Not today, Satan.

Whoever is sending me bad vibes, well... it worked. Looks like I have a really nasty cold sore, which would explain the three day high fever and all.

Taking the proper medication, my Chinese teas and working from my desk (which counts as rest in my world). And I'm getting more than enough sleep.

I'll be fine by tomorrow. I have to be.

Oy.

Anxious

It's too calm. Things are too easy. Life is good to me and I have more than enough. It's terrifying.

I should be asleep but I'm not even sleepy. Just disturbed. And lonely. I've been feeling terribly lonely these days.

3 weeks to go. 22 days. More coffee. More tea. More sticking to my to-do lists and getting things done instead of succumbing to this dreary insecurity.

Go to bed already.

#lifegoals

Woke up too early today, did my makeup, went to a casting call for Beauty Fair. A casting call. What bummed me (although I was deep down hoping to have the weekend to myself to clean and sew) was not not being picked, I respect the stylists needs for tall and thin 15 year old models, or the 5 hour wait till I was told I could go home, but the fact I could be with my Bear this weekend being loved and pampered instead of feeling lonely and bored on my #restday.

Took me a lot of thinking to reach that conclusion but it's about right. I organized my calendar so that I would be here for this event because my regular stylist asked me to. That made it tight around the Jewish holidays to travel so I have almost 4 weeks of waiting till I can hold my Bear.

It's not about the money. It's about the fact my hair looks stupid because I was growing out my undercut for this and my roots are huge and I got a rough deal.

Oh well, lesson learned. Also, I must wash my hair tomorrow. It looks great, feels gross.
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This is about #lifegoals:

#hairgoals: refresh my undercut, do my roots, add some rainbow into the white.
#buttgoals: take the 30 day squat challenge. Keep track of my gains.
#fitnessgoals: improve the time it takes to do my workout. Get down to 45 minutes or less.
#bodygoals: look better naked than I look wearing clothes
#burlesquegoals: study, study, study
#shoppinggoals: reward myself with clothes and shoes, not food

Pensive...

I've been wanting to write again, for a while now. I suck at talking to people and as I get older it seems my anxieties and fears only get worse. While I still have friends, I find myself having a hard time trusting most everyone, myself included, and from time to time I'll shut myself off completely with the exception of my art.

As I was lying here giving myself the indulgence of a couple days off, pigging out to my hearts (dis)content, my old 3 year plan came back to me. The one I had put together just before I met the one person I trust these days, my boyfriend. My partner in crime. My bear, who makes sure I never feel like Goldilocks, Mr. Bird.

It's been almost two years already. He's been amazing in giving me space to heal and grow. He's a smart one. He broke my code on the day we met, figured me out and got me to fall in love with him by being who I needed him to be. In other words, he put in the effort. It almost makes me feel guilty sometimes I can't do more for him than being a sweet escape from the hellish battles he seems to fight everyday. Apparently it's enough for him, that I can be a pink glittery oasis in a world of self absorbed blood suckers and entitlement.

I remember I was at a point my shell was getting harder by the day when we met. I was learning to self preserve and seemed to be on a path to become a lonely amazon. That timeline was disturbed and the present timeline was created when two unlikely fellows became acquainted over something as nerdy as Star Trek.

I liked her, the woman I was becoming. She was strong, albeit lonely, and more powerful than I'll ever be. Her plan was to work like a mule for 2 years and move to Asia to study the food to become a proper food writer. She's in there somewhere, grumbling while I watch anime to fall asleep, beckoning to go to Asia. She is also very selfish, which makes me worry that she will come out at a bad time. I guess to be self preserving is to be selfish.

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I've been in a very interesting place in my mind since we decided it was only logical for me to move to Vegas. When was that? Somewhere around this time last year, I think. I had just had one of the best summers and if three months of daily coexistence didn't hurt the flame, we figured this would work out.

Yes, it will work out. But ever since this time last year I've been waiting. Not passively waiting. Actively waiting. But still, waiting. It's an unique position. Short term plans only. Anything farther than a year away is more like a day dream than a plan.

Now I have 8 months left. Left on my lease. Left to tie loose ends in Brazil and make preparations for my life in the US. Obviously I plan on returning, maybe twice a year, to tour for a month or so and share the knowledge I am in an unique position to gather abroad. I have a linguistic advantage I'm well aware of when it comes to my area of study, burlesque, and my peers in this country. I never dreamt I would move to Vegas, but a closer look at the history of my art form and it makes sense.

The legends are there. The museum is there. And now I will be as well. To build a life. To have an actual nest. A suburban sized home oh so different from my cozy 344 sq feet apartment in Sao Paulo which now looks so much like me it's painful to start taking it apart. But I can build a bigger world out there. I'll even have to face new challenges. I never thought I would be eager to learn how to drive, but now I am. Driving means independence in America, and I have had to come to terms with that.

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Writing is an interesting way to unravel the mess of threads in my mind. I'll be back here, with my nightmares and dreams of Asia, burlesque, my eating issues and what not.

This is a personal journal. I just choose to leave it out in the open. But these are musings about my life and here and there, a daydream or two. Proceed with caution.

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I like the quote of the day on my desktop App:

"Life is simple. Are you happy? Yes? Keep going. No? Change something."

It makes me that much stronger, makes me that much wiser

words to live by, from Xtina's "Fighter".

Today is the last day of February. I'd be thankful if someone pulled the plug on the drama for the year. May March bring on better omens and more peace of mind.

Because it will be a hell of an eventful month. Ain't nobody got time for drama, girl. I need to get my visa to the US so the world can be my egg.