#lifegoals

Woke up too early today, did my makeup, went to a casting call for Beauty Fair. A casting call. What bummed me (although I was deep down hoping to have the weekend to myself to clean and sew) was not not being picked, I respect the stylists needs for tall and thin 15 year old models, or the 5 hour wait till I was told I could go home, but the fact I could be with my Bear this weekend being loved and pampered instead of feeling lonely and bored on my #restday.

Took me a lot of thinking to reach that conclusion but it's about right. I organized my calendar so that I would be here for this event because my regular stylist asked me to. That made it tight around the Jewish holidays to travel so I have almost 4 weeks of waiting till I can hold my Bear.

It's not about the money. It's about the fact my hair looks stupid because I was growing out my undercut for this and my roots are huge and I got a rough deal.

Oh well, lesson learned. Also, I must wash my hair tomorrow. It looks great, feels gross.
*
This is about #lifegoals:

#hairgoals: refresh my undercut, do my roots, add some rainbow into the white.
#buttgoals: take the 30 day squat challenge. Keep track of my gains.
#fitnessgoals: improve the time it takes to do my workout. Get down to 45 minutes or less.
#bodygoals: look better naked than I look wearing clothes
#burlesquegoals: study, study, study
#shoppinggoals: reward myself with clothes and shoes, not food

Who's carnaval?

It's a holiday in Brazil. Who's holiday? Freelancers don't get holidays, no, not the broke ones. My ex, Tanuki, saved my sorry ass with a loan to pay to rent (and it took me days to swallow my pride and ask for said loan). I hear the birds outside singing away and think... yeah, birds never get a day off.

Oh, hi PMS. I need to cuddle up to someone/something and a ton of coffee. And a good book. Or movie. Or even a new k/j-drama. I need a moment to rest. To breath. To be.

This feeling.

So I'm feeling torn apart. Torn between my desire to rest for the day and just eat whatever I want (and can afford) and the need to run twice as fast into my monster of a to-do list. I got stuff done today. Don't get that part wrong. I'm doing stuff too. I'm surrounded by stuff to do. There really is no escape.

But a quiet moment would be nice. A day where I wouldn't feel guilty to skip my 20km power walk (hey, that's working!) and the skin could grow back on my toes. A day to cuddle up and not leave the house. I day I don't have to skype or text or email ou facebook because the person I want to spend time with is next to me.

A day I could cry comfortably. I haven't been allowing myself to cry or despair. Not now. I'm pushing all things past April. April is my deadline. April is when the reality show I was in airs and everything changes. Or doesn't. I'm putting my chips on April and whatever it may bring. Then I'll figure things out. Till then, no real attempts ate getting a job, but just hanging on. Really really tight. I got till April to get my best body, my best attitude, to keep my smile on. I hope May finds me better off. I really do.

I should take the Korean advice to heart and stop doing useless things, as well. Or things that seem useless now. Like skyping with a korean-american cutie who is drawing me in way too easily. He's too young, Sweetie. He doesn't have a job. He's still in school. He lives with his parents. (And the sound of my rationalization is oh so loud). He's cute as hell. He's into bdsm. And has the same fetishes as I. Oh boy. There is a 6 hour difference between São Paulo and L.A. and it's killing me. I'm just sooooooo tired. I don't know where this is going. If it's worth investing my time and energy into. But so far, it's fun. Even if really tiring. It would be really nice if... too many "if"'s honey.

Last night I danced. It's carnaval, after all, and the club was full. I needed the money and the people are fun. But for some reason at some point I felt like a helpless lamb. A piece of meat. Do people really get all this braver during the season or am I putting off sub vibes? I had to shove off at least 5 different guys. Even with my face oh so close to my phone. Not drinking as much has me more aware? I don't know. I mean, even after, while I was eating, some older dude was staring at me for about 40 minutes. I just wanted to curl up and disappear.

Whew. Ok, I got a lot off my chest. Time will not wait to me, so I must follow. I'm in survival mode, at least till April. Keep on pushing, Sweetie. Hwaitting! Gambatte! Nintai! You can make it work. There is only way to go, and it's forward.

At least I nailed my lucky lunar NY meal. Hope it works.

Hi old friend

Hi there dysthymia... or is just loneliness? Or does it even have to do with the freaky xmas eve episode where I passed out while we were taking care of my foot with acupuncture and went to my dark place?

Never mind that I painted a huge reminder not to give in to the darkness. It took over again. Like a big fat cushion of foul air it surrounds and immobilizes me. I can't breath. My mouth tastes like tar. I can't stop crying when I'm alone.

I hate the fat face I see in all the recent photos of me. I'm working hard on that but there is much weight to lose. At least another 3 kg till I start feeling again like a human being. I feel lonely but I don't want to let anyone touch me in this state. This mochi state.

We had a meeting last night and even though I was barely there - hi hypoglycemia - I took some mental notes. It's amazing how people notice things I don't, that should be very obvious to me because they are about the way I interact with others. Am I really this self centered? Do I really have to spend my time making a conscious effort to relate to people (because interacting is already an ordeal at times) and noticing how that works on video? Do I have Asperger's? Nah. But if felt that I have been a self centered bitch all along and I have no idea how to change that except for an exhausting self checking at all times. As if my internal dialogue wasn't loud enough.

I need to function today. Maybe it's just the absence of carbs in my diet or the diet itself. Maybe it's that I cut coffee. I'll bring coffee back. I could scream of loneliness. I want to bury my face in my pillow and stay there. But I can't. Not that any of the things on my to do list will bring me $, which I really need. But they are promises I made, and those I must keep.

Nintai, Sweetie. Nintai. Gambatte kudasai! Aja aja, Sweetie. Hwaitting!

Fuck you darkness and this foul tar taste in my mouth.



Weight: 67kg

they broke the mold

wow, that's a record. One week. And those are some pretty strong feelings. At least oppa was honest in that he is in a virtual relationship with someone else and doesn't want/can't have any stronger ties.

He's the kind of guy I really really really want to be friends with. So... I don't know what to do next. I guess the best thing would be nothing. Maybe I'd be better off friendzoning the world. Or being an XX.

Being a hopeless romantic is painful.

At least he has flaws. Everyone does. Me, I'm huge now, as prove last Saturday's photos. Aish, maybe I should stop skipping periods. Him? He's always tired so the moment he relaxes and has a couple beers he'll fall asleep during sex. Been there, done that. But sometimes it's a bit insulting.

One week and I've cried already. Awell, I'm just gonna get back to my online work soon enough and that should do wonders for my self esteem. Or not.

Damn, such a pity. I'll hang on a little longer. We are a wonder team in the kitchen.


x-x

One of the considerations that came to mind is how relationships mold us. Yeah, I'm back on that "all the affection we got is going somewhere, sooner or later, no matter who" key again. But a little deeper. Because relationships also change us. And if they do change us, what do we do with the expectations we learn to have once they are over? What do I do with the person I have become because of the girl and the Mister?

x-x

I really really really really really want a fresh start, and to be housemates with my brother. This woman.... We're all broke, girl. Staying in bed all day and being a slob won't change that.

x-x

On a happy note, my long lost best friend from 11 years ago found me online today. So happy! Can't wait to go visit my parents and do a ton of catching up.

x-x

Gonna fall asleep to more romantic ridiculousness. Oh, Secret Garden. At least you bring romance to my life.

x-x
Seriously, when is it gonna be my turn?

all we have is affection

It could just be me being crazy, but here's a theory.

We all have love to share. We all want to be the object of someone's affection. And I'm starting to think that, as long as there is chemistry and some kind of connection, it doesn't really matter to and from whom.

So it ends up being kind of random. If I make a connection but the person disappoints me in some manner, the intentions I had toward that person will be transferred onto the next one. Do I make any sense?

People follow patterns in their relationships. Maybe it's that. I usually end up with people who are good communicators. Especially online. Long conversations give me time to evaluate if I do or don't admire the person in some way. That's MY deal breaker. That and hands. Small, overly soft hands with not much of a grip do NOTHING for me. I like feeling small and helpless in someone's hands, so I rather they are on the big and rough side. But in the end, it's all about the grip.

And that's me. I have, as I guess everyone does, a series of criteria by which I will judge the person who approaches me suitable or not. Once I have checked for deal breakers (picky eaters, dumb fucks, bad communicators, small hands, i.e.) I'll get to the next steps. Cuddling is a must. So is enjoying cartoons. Not making fun of my trashy tastes is a plus. Sharing my trashy tastes makes the person a keeper. And so on.

Obviously, chemistry is the first element. The smell of the skin, the touch of the person's hands, the way their lips fit mine... You can't say these things aren't important. And sometimes, as perfect as a person may seem, there just isn't any chemistry. And that's called the friend zone. I know, it's sad.

Maybe these are just senseless rambles. I'm just trying to make my original point, I guess. All we have is affection. And maybe it doesn't really matter to whom we give it, as long as that person fits into the checklists we create. So maybe there isn't such a thing as "the one". We just settle for the one that fits us at that moment.

So maybe I should just get a cat, upgrade my vibrator, dedicate myself to my online sweethearts and call it a day.

But I do hope I'm wrong. I'm a sucker for love stories and romantic comedies.