and off to the airport...



although i need the time to think things over, something tells me i won't get it so soon.

(shabat shalom . have a good weekend!)

*And all my tomorrows won't save me today...*

*
"And oh I'm having visions again

Fuck fuck fuck fuck you and fuck you and fuck you some more
Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you some more
Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you some more
Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you some more
Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you some more
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you some more"
*
wake up call. September is ending.
*
so i'm enjoying a warm day. Before the cold returns.
*
right?
*
This saturday... it's almost here. i got a hair cut yesterday, nothing different, just the same as usual. But after this performance i plan on dying some...
*
and me.
*
Time for the sewing machine. The hardest part is getting started, believe me.
(yesterday i finished the most adorable brassiere in class)
*
nope?
*
[mood: strange. And anxious. And nervous.]
[pressplay: death of a whore - juliette and the licks]
*

*bookings*

*

after nearly a month inactive, i have a couple bookings. Weeeee?
...
gonna dance in BC on saturday, and there is something i have no idea what it is coming up...
...
if i didn't trust my friends this much, i'd probably be freaking out by now.
...
but wait... i am freaking out.
...
i have to finish my fans... and rehearse. And do my homework, which i never do.
...
weeeeeeeee!!! Deadlines are exciting!
*
...

*there is more of me than You ever...*

*
wanna know more?
*
things are finally happening. H.a.p.p.y!
*
so its time to rock'n'roll...
*
"Tu es ma mademoiselle
Tu es ma petite poubelle
Je chercherai des ordures pour toi
Et je commencerai dedans mes pantalons

Dans votre oeil se trouve une petite pleur
Mais je ne suis pas un autre Coeur
Tu sais tu es ma petite fleur
Avec une plotte qui est comme du beurre

Tu es ma mademoiselle
Tu es ma petite poubelle
Je chercherai des ordures pour toi
Commencerai dedans mes pantalons"
*

You make me warm inside... even when You don't let me really be myself.
*
But what a darn fucking gray and cold spring is this?!!
*
[mood: strangely excited.]
[pressplay: ma poubelle - sum 41]
...
gotta run!
...
but i'm glad i have somewhere to run towards.
*
weeeee!!!
*
now playing: good golly miss molly - jerry lee lewis

*equinox*

*happy equinox?!!!*


*forgive, never forget*



*
another yom kippur.
*
another season. Happy new season.
*
let's hope for spring time during the next 86 days...
*
because life is nothing but a cheap carnival ride.
*
mood: bipolarly depressive.
pressplay> let's fall in love - diana krall
*

*spring cleaning*

*

Anyone in the mood for some renovating? i sure as hell could use some. But i guess my spring cleaning will come late this year, because i must wait for the Mr. to travel so i can get down and dirty.
...
In a good way, of course.
...
But my body aches. And there is an estrangement within me. So it isn't surprising i feel ugly... no, not ugly. Plain.
...
It would surely be unfair to attribute this feeling to only one factor. It is a combination of things... Working out everyday (since Monday), which actually is good for me, PMS (as usual), the approaching equinox, and not having anything booked. One or two small projects, and that is all.
...
So i really need a spring cleaning. Inside and out.
Spring starts the day after the next.
...
i only hope. I hope to find my long lost inspiration somewhere among the cobwebs of abandoned projects. I hope to find new breath and energy. i hope...

...
Maybe i am looking for a sweet escape? All i know is that there are millions of things i want to do, a few dozens i must, and right now... right now i am doing nothing at all.
...
What if i am pretending? And who am i pretending to be?
...
Tomorrow... i will wait for tomorrow and for spring time. And i will let the muse decide for me. All i choose to is to not choose anything right now.

...
There may be something. And it might be complicated. But even so i want it to work out.
...
There are just way too many maybes.
...
Guess that is what it means to be temporarily out of order?
...


One more day... it can't hurt. Right?
...
"Toto... I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore"
...
Guess i'll give it a rest. Everything. Even if resting makes me restless. So i just go on playing with my hair and wasting money on empty and instant gratification. Maybe i should get a new tattoo?
...
Who wants to make sense anyway?
*
mood: annoyed, restless and anxious
listening to: justice and Amy Winehouse
*

"You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom."
The Wizard of Oz
(i want to get back to my sewing machine)
*


hold me when i fall?
(i need to be stronger than this)
...
Thanks for the text message this morning. i'm a lucky gal for having You love me. And i love You too.

*

*but the mirror's never failed you like this before*

*

"What to do? Sweetheart, you'll find mediocre people do exceptional things all the time. Oh, the ruin will do in your talented mind... could've been a genius if you'd had an axe to grind. What to do? "
*
it takes courage to face the week that lurks upon us.
*
or is this just another confusing and hungover sunday afternoon?
*
for someone so full of hot air, i feel surprisingly empty.
*
maybe if i don't open the window i'll never know what i am missing.
*
so lets wait for a week filled with soft colours, sweet scents, indecently rough poetry and dancing tunes.
*
i feel like everyone around me is hurting. Including me.
*
[mood: slightly hungover and somewhat anti-social]
[pressplay: what to do - ok go]
*
(secretly hoping for a sweet and pink time this week. secretly scared that i won't last till the end of whatever is about to come up. honestly wishing we have a hell lot of fun on the way, wherever we are going.)
*

*hmmm...*

*
Master told me to eat before leaving for work this morning. i've been fasting for only 36 hours, but i feel terrible already.
...
thing is, now i am afraid of food again. Plus, my feelings are still hurt. Yeah, i get hurt over stupid things.
...
guess i'll eat before i faint. Even if i overeat.
*
(i never know when people are just being nice or when they are making a move at me. Damn!)
*
i bought myself a hair curler yesterday. Hope i can figure out how to use the darn thing.
*

*
time to get to my chores.
*
it's friday. So what?!

*
now playing: Dead Kennedys
*
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND FUCKERS!
*
p.s.: if i'm going to eat i might as well bake that pie. Hmmm... maybe later.
...

" We're sorry
But you're no longer needed
Or wanted
Or even cared about here
Machines can do a better job than you
This is what you get for asking questions
...
Soup is Good Food, Etc.
We're sorry
We hate to interrupt
But it's against the law to jump off this bridge
You'll just have to kill yourself somewhere else
A tourist might see you
And we wouldn't want that
...
Soup is good food
You made a good meal, etc:.
We know how much you'd like to die
We joke about it on our coffee breaks
But we're paid to force you to have a nice day
In the wonderful world we made just for you "
(Dead Kennedys - Soup is a good Food)
*
let's enjoy life while we are alive. And just pray that it will be a good day.
*

*no?!!!*

*
so this is it. i spent over an hour cooking yummy things that He likes and He went and made Himself a PBJ, refusing to eat my food, just because He is upset at me. So we're gonna be childish, will we? So i WON'T EAT until He says He is sorry. And i mean it.

...

(eating disorders have always been aquainted to me)

...

i'm still going nowhere... fast.

*

*nowhere (L'shana Tovah!)*

*

its time for apple and honey cakes. Hmmm... since i'm not really jewish i'm making mine tonight.
...
happy Rosh Hashanah! L'shana Tovah!
*
"I'm going nowhere, going nowhere, I'm going nowhere"
... i'm going nowhere fast.
*
"A ship is flying through the air
Spraying rain everywhere
All six feet are in the air
I'm going nowhere, going nowhere, going nowhere
Take me somewhere, take me anywhere"
*
wednesday. Damn, am i tired. Beaten to the bone. But the house is clean, some laundry was done, i started learning how to make bras and my jazz teacher still is torturing us.

*
and waiting... just waiting.
...
i've been cooking a bit again. Still, i'm feeling sick.
*
Wish i didn't depend this much of pain killers.
*
still feels like nowhere. i need something to do.

*
pressplay [upside down space cockroach - Guttermouth]
*
... i always keep hanging on. ... always?
*

*
last saturday i met a girl called Isabel Goes. Nothing special about it except for the fact that i had already had about 10 glasses of wine and was going for my second mojito so i felt like writing. And i wrote this silly thing:

"Meet Ms. Goes.
Tell me, where does Isabel go?
Isabel Goes where?
Well, honey, let's just leave it to this, and just say...
Isabel Goes everywhere.
Isabel was here, but she is where...
Where does Isabel want to be?
Isabel has to go. Time to say good-bye.
Isabel just and only, but Isabel Goes. ...
Isabel Goes easy.

Sadly,
Isabel never got to meet Isabella Blow."
*
Ain't i a silly gal?
*
i should be working out... blah!
But then again... maybe it's not good to work out in this much pain. (Excuses...)
*
Things are just plain confusing right now. Almost everything is.
...
i think i need a new diagnosis. Is this still who i am?

*
Playing: Corpse rotting in hell - Guttermouth
*

*sometimes*

*
"I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I
...
cause
...
i feel so cheap"
*

*
Another day. Bright and beautiful outside. Cold and gray in here. i just feel sad. And well, i'm binging again, and putting on weight. i have no will power to work out or do anything, and the apartment has been chaotic for weeks now. i just can't get up... And everything is ok, apparently. There is no other reason to feel like this except for the fact that i am like this.
*
i'm slowly falling apart and i haven't got it in me to pick up the pieces one more time.
*
... and all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put miss sweetie back together again...
*
so it's another blah! day.
*

*
blah!
*
The only time it feels ok is when i am in His arms. When He is away it all falls apart again. Like some cheap glue that won't last for more than a few hours.
*
maybe... a musical remedy? Coffee isn't working anymore, i swear.
...
let's go for ... happy thoughts:
- Blink 182
- Guttermouth
- MXPX
- NOFX
- New Found Glory
- Green Day
- Jimmy Eat World
*
pressplay [i feel so - box car racer]
*
maybe it's the incoming solstice.
*
(argh!) i don't wanna be here today. I don't want to do these things today. all i want for is to hide and run away.
...
i just want foolish laughter and a beer with childhood friends... i want group hugs and recklessly jumping from high places. i need poser photos and buying cute things. Let's escape and eat candy till we throw up?
...
(save me from myself, someone, please?)
*
i need to feel shiny, beautiful, glamorous and new.
*
i guess...
*
currently playing: down for the count - bowling for soup
*
p.s.: am i still the girl all the bad guys want?
*
p.p.s.: i really need a new tattoo...
*

*decom-poseur*

*"she's a painting outta focus with no good sense of intention she's authentic
she's a model of disaster with a heart of revolution
she's so innocent, but guilty's her plea
everybody wants to save her from herself, they really want to save themselves

she's got the grace of a tourist, with the charm of demolition
she's a poem without a meter or rhyme a random design
of a flower like a rose no one really knows
she's a master piece deserving restoration or condemnation time will tell us
if she's a lifer or a decomposuer she is rose no one really knows"*

*
pressplay [decom-poseur - nofx]
*
(i hate mondays)
*

*paradise kiss*

*
what day is today again?
...
just watched 12 episodes of Paradise Kiss non-stop. If everything weren't a mess i'd be sewing right now. Actually, i should be cleaning up!
...
i don't care if PBJ'd aren't proper food. Chunky Peanut butter is good enough for me.
...
i'm impatient with words today. They have been raping my brain all morning and i am being forced to vomit some now to have some peace. But its one of those days i would rather not speak to people. That's just how i am. Sugoi?!!!
...
dakara, dakara... where was i? Oh yes, things. Life, and all that jazz, right?




" When I woke up tonight
I said I'm gonna make somebody love me
I’m Gonna make somebody love me
And now I know, now I know, now I know
I know that it's you
You’re Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky

Well do ya, do ya, do ya wanna
Well do ya, do ya, do ya wanna
Wanna go of what I never let you before

Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky
Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky
Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky
Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky
Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky
Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky

Yeahhh!!"
(Franz Ferdinand - Do you want to)
...
i'll get to it later. I'm just too much in love with my hair today to care.
...
ok. Whatever. Suttopu.
*
Tell those voices to shut up!
...
August was amazing. Now i must try and keep a positive outlook for September. Ganbare!!!
...
that is... after i get all this wheat out of the house. Argh!
*
happy week time! Can't you already smell the season changing?

isn't anyone else looking forward to the equinox?
*
and tonight i will make leeks!
*
listening to: guttermouth - foot long
*

*
(there just isn't anything to look forward to now, and it doesn't feel very good)
...
*

*meet me at the club*

*
*
tunics, togas, sandals, pelpos, chains...
*
today is a day for lust
*
"Take off your disguise
I know that underneath
It's me"
*
millions of things still to be finished. Procrastination.
*
she's a bitch.
*
remix time?
*
i edit life!
*
pressplay megalomania - muse
*