Not today, Satan.

Whoever is sending me bad vibes, well... it worked. Looks like I have a really nasty cold sore, which would explain the three day high fever and all.

Taking the proper medication, my Chinese teas and working from my desk (which counts as rest in my world). And I'm getting more than enough sleep.

I'll be fine by tomorrow. I have to be.

Oy.

Anxious

It's too calm. Things are too easy. Life is good to me and I have more than enough. It's terrifying.

I should be asleep but I'm not even sleepy. Just disturbed. And lonely. I've been feeling terribly lonely these days.

3 weeks to go. 22 days. More coffee. More tea. More sticking to my to-do lists and getting things done instead of succumbing to this dreary insecurity.

Go to bed already.

#lifegoals

Woke up too early today, did my makeup, went to a casting call for Beauty Fair. A casting call. What bummed me (although I was deep down hoping to have the weekend to myself to clean and sew) was not not being picked, I respect the stylists needs for tall and thin 15 year old models, or the 5 hour wait till I was told I could go home, but the fact I could be with my Bear this weekend being loved and pampered instead of feeling lonely and bored on my #restday.

Took me a lot of thinking to reach that conclusion but it's about right. I organized my calendar so that I would be here for this event because my regular stylist asked me to. That made it tight around the Jewish holidays to travel so I have almost 4 weeks of waiting till I can hold my Bear.

It's not about the money. It's about the fact my hair looks stupid because I was growing out my undercut for this and my roots are huge and I got a rough deal.

Oh well, lesson learned. Also, I must wash my hair tomorrow. It looks great, feels gross.
*
This is about #lifegoals:

#hairgoals: refresh my undercut, do my roots, add some rainbow into the white.
#buttgoals: take the 30 day squat challenge. Keep track of my gains.
#fitnessgoals: improve the time it takes to do my workout. Get down to 45 minutes or less.
#bodygoals: look better naked than I look wearing clothes
#burlesquegoals: study, study, study
#shoppinggoals: reward myself with clothes and shoes, not food

Pensive...

I've been wanting to write again, for a while now. I suck at talking to people and as I get older it seems my anxieties and fears only get worse. While I still have friends, I find myself having a hard time trusting most everyone, myself included, and from time to time I'll shut myself off completely with the exception of my art.

As I was lying here giving myself the indulgence of a couple days off, pigging out to my hearts (dis)content, my old 3 year plan came back to me. The one I had put together just before I met the one person I trust these days, my boyfriend. My partner in crime. My bear, who makes sure I never feel like Goldilocks, Mr. Bird.

It's been almost two years already. He's been amazing in giving me space to heal and grow. He's a smart one. He broke my code on the day we met, figured me out and got me to fall in love with him by being who I needed him to be. In other words, he put in the effort. It almost makes me feel guilty sometimes I can't do more for him than being a sweet escape from the hellish battles he seems to fight everyday. Apparently it's enough for him, that I can be a pink glittery oasis in a world of self absorbed blood suckers and entitlement.

I remember I was at a point my shell was getting harder by the day when we met. I was learning to self preserve and seemed to be on a path to become a lonely amazon. That timeline was disturbed and the present timeline was created when two unlikely fellows became acquainted over something as nerdy as Star Trek.

I liked her, the woman I was becoming. She was strong, albeit lonely, and more powerful than I'll ever be. Her plan was to work like a mule for 2 years and move to Asia to study the food to become a proper food writer. She's in there somewhere, grumbling while I watch anime to fall asleep, beckoning to go to Asia. She is also very selfish, which makes me worry that she will come out at a bad time. I guess to be self preserving is to be selfish.

*

I've been in a very interesting place in my mind since we decided it was only logical for me to move to Vegas. When was that? Somewhere around this time last year, I think. I had just had one of the best summers and if three months of daily coexistence didn't hurt the flame, we figured this would work out.

Yes, it will work out. But ever since this time last year I've been waiting. Not passively waiting. Actively waiting. But still, waiting. It's an unique position. Short term plans only. Anything farther than a year away is more like a day dream than a plan.

Now I have 8 months left. Left on my lease. Left to tie loose ends in Brazil and make preparations for my life in the US. Obviously I plan on returning, maybe twice a year, to tour for a month or so and share the knowledge I am in an unique position to gather abroad. I have a linguistic advantage I'm well aware of when it comes to my area of study, burlesque, and my peers in this country. I never dreamt I would move to Vegas, but a closer look at the history of my art form and it makes sense.

The legends are there. The museum is there. And now I will be as well. To build a life. To have an actual nest. A suburban sized home oh so different from my cozy 344 sq feet apartment in Sao Paulo which now looks so much like me it's painful to start taking it apart. But I can build a bigger world out there. I'll even have to face new challenges. I never thought I would be eager to learn how to drive, but now I am. Driving means independence in America, and I have had to come to terms with that.

*

Writing is an interesting way to unravel the mess of threads in my mind. I'll be back here, with my nightmares and dreams of Asia, burlesque, my eating issues and what not.

This is a personal journal. I just choose to leave it out in the open. But these are musings about my life and here and there, a daydream or two. Proceed with caution.

*

I like the quote of the day on my desktop App:

"Life is simple. Are you happy? Yes? Keep going. No? Change something."

It makes me that much stronger, makes me that much wiser

words to live by, from Xtina's "Fighter".

Today is the last day of February. I'd be thankful if someone pulled the plug on the drama for the year. May March bring on better omens and more peace of mind.

Because it will be a hell of an eventful month. Ain't nobody got time for drama, girl. I need to get my visa to the US so the world can be my egg.

Some people are despicable

specially those who force themselves into a friendship with you only to stab you in the back the first time you don't amen whatever they say. God is watching bitch. I'm watching.

2013 was a very interesting year...

I mean, after I left my comfort zone, made the most of my curiosities, and started cashing in on my natural talents.

Let's see how 2014 plays out.

to polish off that bottle of rum or to let it be...

now THAT is a question...

hey lady luck, over here!

yo, bitch, I've been working my ass off. How about you give me some TLC? Lord know's I need it.

Because having my phone taken wasn't enough. Not getting any paid gigs for the past three weeks and investing what money I had left in my work either. No, now I have to find out that I owe some unexpected cash when I'm almost running out of food. Cash? What's that?

I didn't even make rent this month. Oh fuck. Gonna just keep on swimming for now. And hoping they find another time slot for that reality show that doesn't have to compete with zombies.

Can't a girl get a break?

I'm done waiting

... and too confused to bugged with things like these... or am I?



When all you have to your name is 1 buck and almost all your bills are late and unpaid, what to do? Something. Anything.

And stop waiting. Time to start Hwaitting (fighting) instead!

No, I have not been a lazy ass. I've been working my ass off, but it's all from a long term perspective towards my burlesque group. Money's being invested, and I barely have enough to eat. Well, I do need to lose weight.

It seems like the reality show I shot late last year may not air at all. Yesterday was the date I set to see my life change. It didn't and now the show has no date. I wasn't looking for a job or even more freelance work because of this. And I'm weak. Really weak. I can't be weak now. Quite the opposite. It's time to be strong.

Gotta get things in order. Do I teach English again? Last training I went thru had me crushed. Should I look for a job in my area and write with no soul about things I don't care about? The journalistic coverage of the Erotic fair was just painful to watch. Do I just strip on webcam? Where do I sign up to sell my soul for some chocolate right now? I need to be sweet so badly.

My life is feeling a bit too much like a Korean drama right now. Not cool bro.

Gonna make something to eat with the little I have left and look up things online. At least I still have coffee powder and gas. And I really really need a shower. I'm not gonna even start on how lonely I am. It's survival mode now, no time to think about guys, girls or even sex.

My life is not a 1/100th as glamorous as people must picture it to be. Oh well...

Who's carnaval?

It's a holiday in Brazil. Who's holiday? Freelancers don't get holidays, no, not the broke ones. My ex, Tanuki, saved my sorry ass with a loan to pay to rent (and it took me days to swallow my pride and ask for said loan). I hear the birds outside singing away and think... yeah, birds never get a day off.

Oh, hi PMS. I need to cuddle up to someone/something and a ton of coffee. And a good book. Or movie. Or even a new k/j-drama. I need a moment to rest. To breath. To be.

This feeling.

So I'm feeling torn apart. Torn between my desire to rest for the day and just eat whatever I want (and can afford) and the need to run twice as fast into my monster of a to-do list. I got stuff done today. Don't get that part wrong. I'm doing stuff too. I'm surrounded by stuff to do. There really is no escape.

But a quiet moment would be nice. A day where I wouldn't feel guilty to skip my 20km power walk (hey, that's working!) and the skin could grow back on my toes. A day to cuddle up and not leave the house. I day I don't have to skype or text or email ou facebook because the person I want to spend time with is next to me.

A day I could cry comfortably. I haven't been allowing myself to cry or despair. Not now. I'm pushing all things past April. April is my deadline. April is when the reality show I was in airs and everything changes. Or doesn't. I'm putting my chips on April and whatever it may bring. Then I'll figure things out. Till then, no real attempts ate getting a job, but just hanging on. Really really tight. I got till April to get my best body, my best attitude, to keep my smile on. I hope May finds me better off. I really do.

I should take the Korean advice to heart and stop doing useless things, as well. Or things that seem useless now. Like skyping with a korean-american cutie who is drawing me in way too easily. He's too young, Sweetie. He doesn't have a job. He's still in school. He lives with his parents. (And the sound of my rationalization is oh so loud). He's cute as hell. He's into bdsm. And has the same fetishes as I. Oh boy. There is a 6 hour difference between São Paulo and L.A. and it's killing me. I'm just sooooooo tired. I don't know where this is going. If it's worth investing my time and energy into. But so far, it's fun. Even if really tiring. It would be really nice if... too many "if"'s honey.

Last night I danced. It's carnaval, after all, and the club was full. I needed the money and the people are fun. But for some reason at some point I felt like a helpless lamb. A piece of meat. Do people really get all this braver during the season or am I putting off sub vibes? I had to shove off at least 5 different guys. Even with my face oh so close to my phone. Not drinking as much has me more aware? I don't know. I mean, even after, while I was eating, some older dude was staring at me for about 40 minutes. I just wanted to curl up and disappear.

Whew. Ok, I got a lot off my chest. Time will not wait to me, so I must follow. I'm in survival mode, at least till April. Keep on pushing, Sweetie. Hwaitting! Gambatte! Nintai! You can make it work. There is only way to go, and it's forward.

At least I nailed my lucky lunar NY meal. Hope it works.

Biting my teeth so I don't scream.

Maybe it's my upcoming birthday.
Maybe it's the fact I have less than 10 bucks in my wallet for the week. (Not counting the money I put aside for the kpop show in the end of February - my only birthday gift to myself).
Maybe that I haven't been making much money at all. Even if I am working on things I love.
Maybe it's the fact I'm drowning in debt right now.


I'm pushing down the need to scream and cry. I don't have the time for that. I can't afford the luxury of being depressed. Literally.

I'll be ok. It always turns out ok.
Once again, I'll be the one making/buying my own cake for my birthday.

...

when you meet a new old pair of eyes that makes you want to wear a collar again. Even if he really isn't into bdsm.

I may just learn Japanese now and run away to Japan. How does that sound?

It was a weekend full of work and a Monday and Tuesday off with lots of cuddling. It had been a while since I had allowed myself the chance to go on a real date, with coffee, a movie and dinner. And it was nice to know that this pair of eyes has been interested in me for the past 4 years, ever since we first met (and we hardly spoke since).

I'll sit back, wait and see. I'm curious about this one.

Oh, and the sex was good. Not great, but good. His kiss is mindblowing. That makes it all even.

....

And it's only Thursday but he's already ignoring me. That was quick. I say one thing that upsets him and he stops returning my inbox and text messages. I thought that someone who waited 4 years for a chance to go on a date with me would hold on a little tighter.

Whatever.

...

He just needed time to digest what I said. He want's to take things slow. The risk? If you're slow around me, I'll end up far far away. Awell.

guess who's back, back again...

Good morning my old friend Libido. Long time, no see.

Now tell me, just what do I do with you?

I had the weirdest sexy dreams... well, considering I haven't felt much below the belt for the past couple months, that should be ok.

Let's use that on stage, shall we?

Hi old friend

Hi there dysthymia... or is just loneliness? Or does it even have to do with the freaky xmas eve episode where I passed out while we were taking care of my foot with acupuncture and went to my dark place?

Never mind that I painted a huge reminder not to give in to the darkness. It took over again. Like a big fat cushion of foul air it surrounds and immobilizes me. I can't breath. My mouth tastes like tar. I can't stop crying when I'm alone.

I hate the fat face I see in all the recent photos of me. I'm working hard on that but there is much weight to lose. At least another 3 kg till I start feeling again like a human being. I feel lonely but I don't want to let anyone touch me in this state. This mochi state.

We had a meeting last night and even though I was barely there - hi hypoglycemia - I took some mental notes. It's amazing how people notice things I don't, that should be very obvious to me because they are about the way I interact with others. Am I really this self centered? Do I really have to spend my time making a conscious effort to relate to people (because interacting is already an ordeal at times) and noticing how that works on video? Do I have Asperger's? Nah. But if felt that I have been a self centered bitch all along and I have no idea how to change that except for an exhausting self checking at all times. As if my internal dialogue wasn't loud enough.

I need to function today. Maybe it's just the absence of carbs in my diet or the diet itself. Maybe it's that I cut coffee. I'll bring coffee back. I could scream of loneliness. I want to bury my face in my pillow and stay there. But I can't. Not that any of the things on my to do list will bring me $, which I really need. But they are promises I made, and those I must keep.

Nintai, Sweetie. Nintai. Gambatte kudasai! Aja aja, Sweetie. Hwaitting!

Fuck you darkness and this foul tar taste in my mouth.



Weight: 67kg

Insomniac mania

just figured out what I want to tattoo on my knuckles (did anyone ever doubt I wanted tattoed knuckles?).

Supa Diva (heart symbol)

that and tattooing the star fleet insignia on my chest. That would be awesome.

Sick

I hate feeling sick. Specially when I know that is mostly due to anxiety. And maybe/probably/most likely PMS. Sick to the point I can't funcion normally. Sick to the point I'm bed ridden.

I can't afford to be sick.

I shouldn't be this anxious, but I am. Five days of migraine, and now the taquicardia and chest pain. Yeah, I'll have to make time to go to the doctor. But for now I'm trying to function on herbal teas and supplements. I just need to get through this next week.

One week till I present my end of course book. We present. And then it's over.

Or is it?

Wait, what?!

Had an episode this past holiday (we had a holiday on Thursday and one yesterday, so it was a looooooong one) that I could just forget. And I probably will, and as I found it amusing I thought I'd leave it here for future lols.

So I'm perfectly fine with my young busy cute and adorable 오빠. We've been seeing less and less of each other but I've been busy with my burlesque group again, as well, so I'm dealing with feeling lonely the best I can. On Wednesday I was hanging out online when a random korean guy who is living in the country side of São Paulo working with a soccer team added me on facebook. Cool, I thought. Whatever. And as what usually happens when someone is direct and incisive and explicitly sexual in chat, I ended up arranging to meet him. Like... for him to come over.

That took all of a couple days over whatsapp, texts, skype and chatting. What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute accents, high chiseled cheek bones and those tiny tiny eyes. Not to mention that Korean men have awesome bodies.

이거성 (Insung Lee), 27, from a small province in South Korea, wanted to come over on the holiday itself, but I really wanted to see my Oppa first. Cuz I may be a troublemaker but I really hate feeling like a XX (새끼). Sometimes I feel that a lot of Korean men are 새끼 when it comes down to it... but I think I have to try a few more before I can come to a conclusion. As Oppa puts it, our relationship status is "just enjoy". He has his online fling. Felt fair enough.

So 이거성 came over on Friday afternoon, even though I was preparing like crazy for the movie/photo shoot we did on the weekend. Yeah, we wrote, produced and shot a short movie in two days. With no budget. Inspired by a k-pop music video. We're awesome like that. It was AWKWARD! Like whoa! Well, at least for the first 15 minutes, then we kissed and got naked. It was... ok. Didn't blow my mind, but it was fun, and quite kinky. It's fun at times to have sex with someone who CAN'T go on for hours. Cuz 오빠 can. 이거성 could go on and on again, but not hold it for hours. So it was almost like Lee Hi's single... you know... 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. And then ordering dinner (looking back, I'm glad I didn't waste my cooking skills on that 새끼). There was a 5, and we watched Coffee Prince. If you ask me, best part of the whole experience was sleeping on a strong warm shoulder that didn't nudge all night. I guess that's what I miss/want/need the most. I'm sooooo making myself an octopus giant pillow asap.

Saturday morning I woke up super early to get stuff ready for the shoot, as 이거성 slept. I only woke him up after I showered, as it was almost time for my producers to pick me up. After he showered, I went at it again, since I do love morning sex. So that was 6. Well, his count. I came much less than usual on this rendezvous. He left (and maybe he felt upset I didn't cancel my plans to keep him company till he had to meet his friend? Who knows?) and we exchanged a couple more texts on whatsapp and that was that. I went off into work mode. Later the housemate told me she didn't like him. That my 오빠 is much cuter and hotter (I do agree, but he's also much more of a boy), and polite. That 이거성 made a huge mess in the bathroom after showering and didn't flush right. Whatever. Not gonna see that 새끼 again anyways.

The shoot went on. Saturday was for writing the script and prepping most of the sets. Sunday started super early and that was 15 hours of work with no time for eating, and well worth it. So I just remembered to check on 이거성 yesterday, in the morning. You know... I'm a curious gal. And I like having friends.

Well, guess who blocked me on facebook? Omo... Who's invisible on skype? And guess who doesn't care? To be fair enough, I deleted his texts and phone number, just so that I won't feel inclined to poke at his manly pride. No need for that. I mean... It was pretty random, but I had thought that he had enjoyed the whole thing enough. What-ever. I find it amusing and totally fucked up. Do Korean men really go that low for a one night stand? I really don't care. But I would be happy to know that there are nice, warm, romantic, and sweet guys in such a culture as well. Because I get being work oriented/obsessed. But that doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. 

Guess things are better this way. I'm still texting 오빠, who is busy with work and college. I have my own stuff going on. Yesterday we had an awesome, hilarious, video shoot. And I started watching Boys before Flowers. Aigooo... I shouldn't have. I need to cam/work/make money. But I also can make do with fictional romance. And that's how I make it work.

I'm really amused. Like...

Ok... here are some photos.

writing our script over lunch and beer

my trashed burlesque look

I'm the pirate queen, bitches!

At yesterday's shoot. Aegyo burlesque, anyone?

Treating myself (nicely)

After a relaxing weekend with Oppa actually sleeping over on Saturday and spending Sunday afternoon with me, junk food, beers and sex (and exploring new things as well) I had some errands to run today.

I've been styling my pink hair so it's even cuter. And today I went and bought more accesories. If there is something I can't live without that's hair bows.

Sunday morning I was going to get a bit jealous of Oppa's online fling posting a photo of his on facebook. Then I realized that all she can do is post photos, since she lives far far away. He spent the night with me. He sees me most days. She can post all the photos she want's, I'm the only making love to him.

I was actually going to go out yesterday, so I got dolled up, but as I was leaving the house Oppa said he was coming over so we went to the market to buy beer, icecream and snacks and spent most of the afternoon watching K-drama. Well, kind of. After a couple beers, he fell asleep as I was taking care of his skin. I like spoiling that boy. When he woke up, things got hot. Real hot. Hot enough to make my legs turn to jelly.

It was a nice weekend. On Friday I shot part of this month's episode of my videocast, danced, drank a lot and slept all morning on Saturday. Then I got cabin fever, went to one of my favorite places for the view, hanged out with a couple acquaintances, hanged out by my self (which I don't mind at all), had some beers with Oppa and his best friend, and slept with Oppa. Sunday was K-drama, yummy snacks and <3 .="." p="p">

shooting Cozinha ao Ponto #6

hair style

the pin thing is inspired by Spica's new MV

Mayanna and I at the club

My producers brought me a Spock t-shirt from the US. 

my idea of a good time. Headphones, a great view, nice weather , candy and something to read

street food. And beer.

Sunday look

My favorite tempura for lunch today... it's the size of my head. Almost.

Coffee and a tiny macaron at my favorite sweets shop

banana cream and chocolate

Today's haul. Well, the extras.

Accessories. And candy.

love gifts that come in the mail. <3 ballet="ballet" td="td">

 Hey, I'm trying to hold back the aegyo. Nah, I'm not.

And since I want to turn myself into a spoiled brat, today I had to go buy fabric for the bags for our books from college. I bought some fun rings, hair bows, candy and lots of yummy stuff at Liberdade. Yay for Asian ingredients... <3 a="a" also="also" and="and" arrived="arrived" awesome.="awesome." ballet="ballet" fan.="fan." from="from" gift="gift" gochujang="gochujang" my="my" on.="on." p="p" quite="quite" so="so" tofu="tofu">
I'm not feeling it to sew right now. Gonna take the rest of this rainy gray day to rest and watch some tv shows.

Tomorrow I gotta start working online again. My $ is running out and the debts piling up. But that's tomorrow. Gotta enjoy my good mood when I got it.

Cabin fever, day 2

It's the second day I'm antsy with cabin fever. Go figure. Maybe it's that my college ordeal is almost over? I've kind of bit indulging well in food and drink, and thanks to my graduation project I don't really have the money, but who cares? A beer here and there, I can make do with the bills later.

Funny how this works. I was gonna post this, in portuguese (well, the essence), on facebook. But then I thought a bit more about how directly it will bug some people I know. So screw them.

I can spend 3, 4 days at a time without wanting or needing to leave the house. But then every once in a while I get bit by this little bug that reminds me just how cool is the world out there. And I don't even need that much company to enjoy it.

Seriously, I pity those who aren't comfortable in their own company. How sad and lonely it must be to not be enough to oneself. If you always need other people so that you can be distracted of how shallow you actually are, I pity you.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the company of many different people. I just enjoy mine more.

I'm almost done with Secret Garden. Gonna make something yummy to eat and finish off this Drama.

x_x

Yesterday Oppa managed to spend the night. I don't know what to make out of that kid. He's nice. And sweet. But even though he'll taunt me and tease me saying he's the mature one among the both of us, I'm not so sure. Or is he that comfortable with me that he'll fall asleep almost everytime during sex? Aish... 어떡해?

Seriously, 어떡해? Maybe it's the alchohol. Gonna figure this out, eventually.