*I feel... green*

*
No, silly. Not green as in eco-friendly. Green as in unprepared. Green as in full of envy. Green and blue.
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I finished watching Flower Boy Ramyum Shop just now. I'll start watching Dream High 2 to try to sleep. Korean dramas are chaste. And romantic. And make me feel lonelier tonight.
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The Kabaret was a success. I should be enjoying it. But I was in a foul mood last night, and apparantly I still am. I was sweaty, and tired, and I had a drink before applying eyeliner. So I broke my golden rule. And it wouldn't come out straight.
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The performances were fun, to perform and to watch. And extremely erotic since that was the theme for our little Porn Résistance bunker. My brother was there, we had good laughs, and I got lost over and over. And then I performed again. i just don't remember doing so. Ah... alchohol.

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You know how exhausted you are when you fall asleep with half a pastry in your hand. True story.
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And then you wake up, reorganize your thoughts, prepare your workshop, drink a ton of coffee to fight that nasty hangover and go. With war paints on, you just go.
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The Burlesque Sensuality workshop was another success. We had an eager crowd, and I felt they learned something. And they had a ton of fun. I did.
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Maybe I'm just tired. I'll write tomorrow. And study. I wish the boy had come over as he promised to do, but he didn't. I'm a big girl. And I'm keeping strong emotions at an arms length. Like a trooper. Like an Asian. Like a fool.
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Damn this wishful thinking.
*

Gratitude? Everything went smoothly this weekend. Nuff' said.

*Guess who's back?*

*
I'm no good at keeping to myself. It's sort of like if you push a cork into a kettle's pout... If you shut me up, I'll explode. So here I am. I'd rather be public about my feelings. I'm public about so much else. Specially boobs. My boobs are everywhere.
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hmmmm.
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I'm in a love/hate relationship with myself right now. On so many levels. So I'd rather keep track of things around here so that I can look back and track my progress. And I'll try to add at least one postive note to each post. Just because I'm so over negative people. And I know I'd very easily turn into one.

the bitchyness has been over 9000!

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Enough procrastinating. I've reached the critical point in the day's schedule, so it's time to get stuff together for tonight's gig. And if the pay isn't that good, I'm hoping to have fun and the venue is.
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Mantra: stop complaining about being broke, stop complaining about being broke.
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Show time, folks.
*


Today's gratitude post: I'm glad that even when I'm a bit bloated or above my ideal weight, I still have a lovely tomboyish and classical face.

29 going on 16

The past 10 days were odd. Fun, exhausting, strange. I'm still digesting the events and trying to get a hang of life...


Also, not having internet at home for the past 5 days has fucked me up. I blame the housemate on that one. Gonna sort it out asap.

Seriously, for someone who also works from home, responding "Sucks for you", when I complained about the lack of connection was just plain evil. Karma... honey, karma.

Now that I got a shitton of stuff off my chest, lets see if my writers block leaves me.

*Almost 4 months*

*
4 full months on the 17th. And the world hasn't stopped spinning (except for a few breathtaking moments).
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Yeah, I miss you. We had a few more good years ahead of us if you hadn't been... well, you. It was great. And then it wasn't.
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You couldn't have expected any other outcome. I am the purest cliché of an aquarian. You asked me to choose between the unconventional and every so often smothering relationship we had and my criative career and passions which include working with my best friend.
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So here I am. It didn't have to have been the way it was. It didn't need to get so ugly. But it did. And I'm ok. Most of the time.
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The Yom Kippur fast did me good. Most of the resentment is gone. You should try it next year. You need it.
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Have a good life. Here's hoping you can find someone who can actually survive on the crumbs of attention you dish out.
*

*it get's better, doesn't it?*

*

It has to... I know it could be worse. I'm lucky my fever and cold last month didn't develop into something more serious... I'm lucky that when I tripped and fell last Saturday I didn't break the glass table I tripped over, and just twisted my ankle. 

But I'm upset and angry right now.

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Angry at myself for being too tired to get my work done.

Angry that my nails are gross because I haven't had the time or energy to do them myself

Angry my phone won't work, again, and I can't afford a new one. Or even to get it fixed.

Angry that while I am counting pennies to take the bus to college and already owe the bank money, the ex is doing fine

Angry at myself for not getting a lawyer and settling our separation so that I won't be in a fix

I hate this crap.

And I'm angry the schools I'm waiting to call me to work haven't yet because it's the middle of the module.

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Gonna try to get some work done. As soon as I eat (ramen) and rest a bit.

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I know, I know... It get's better.

(And here is a sketch of me, and some photos from the last dress I made for Dr. Sketchy's...)

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But right now it hurts.

*