*threnody*

*
have you ever loved someone desperately?

have you ever loved someone who made you feel lonely?

have you ever loved someone who 9 out of 10 times made you wonder if he/she cared?

have you ever loved someone who made you hate yourself?

have you ever loved someone?

have you ever loved`?

have you ever?

have you?

you?

...

what if you doubt a love you cannot live without?

*

the rest of my life... it's going to kill me.

*
i'll think about the weekend tomorrow.
*

(so i reached this point already).
*

*tonight*

*
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! for butterflies in the stomach.

damn, i love the stage!
*

*let's do it one more time with feeling*

*
1. i'm really happy.

2. i'm really tired.

3. i'm in pain. It would be worse if i weren't doped on pain killers and muscle relaxers.
4. i am hungry. Very hungry. All i ate all day was half a small papaya. And i refuse to eat anything but what i am craving for since yesterday: Misso Ramen. But i'm kind of relunctant to go cook it because of numbers 2 and 3.
*
So i'm really happy. Three good reasons are that my number is all wrapped up and ready to go. Rehearsed (which explains why i'm both sore and tired), makeup concept designed, everything ready. Even the CD was burned already. i really love the outfit (spoiler below) and the songs. It's a bit long, a bit over 7 minutes, but it's ok. And it's slow and sultry and full of wailing saxophones. Lot's of bumping and grinding there...

...

and i decided to put the videos from my performances up. i don't know when, but at least i know i will.

...
The second reason i am happy is that i've been chatting with a local photographer who is shooting sets for SG, and we are working on the concept for the next try. The shoot itself will take a while to happen, but projects always make me feel better. Sense of purpose, you know?

..
And main reason i am happy is that i got a BIG package in the mail today. i had asked my mom to send me the stockings and twin-set i left at her place when i moved up north, and so she did. But not only did she send me my things, she sent me cute things!!! Mom is the sweetest, she sends me these giant packages from time to time. This time she sent me a new blanket for the winter, a jacket, three lovely hello kitty tops, a hello kitty pen, perfume... even a Aretha Franklin CD. She sent me these cute booties/slippers for winter. Sweet.
*
And soo, my day... Last night i went to sleep at almost 3 am, after editing the last sample into the track, so i decided to sleep in. It's not like i was going anywhere anyway... i got up at 11, took a shower, and i now have to massage my bruises 4 times a day with this nasty gel... argh... it's made with bovine upper respiratory tracks. Yuck! Anyway, i massaged my legs, and stayed online a bit. Also listened to the music looking for markers and created the coreography.

...

Then the package arrived. After that i had to go out to pick up my meds, and then came home. Rehearsed, rehearsed, rehearsed... Yeah, i know. i forgot to eat.
...

And to top it off, a nice long shower. And more yucky gel.
*
i'll go eat some time soon. Or not. my head hurts, and i would rather just sleep.
*
Tomorrow will be an exhausting day. But at least Master will be back at night, so i will make it.
*
i woke up with this song playing in my head. Yesterday and today. It's a nice song:

"... Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning

Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning

Whoa oh, we're so miserable and stunning

Whoa oh, love songs for the genuinely cunning, ohh…

It was ice cream headaches and sweet avalanche

When the pearls in our shells got up to dance

You call me a bad tipper of the cradle.

Tired yawns for fawns on hunter's lawns

We're the has-beens of husbands

Sharpening the knives of young wives

Take two years and call me when you're better

Take teardrops of mine, find yourself wetter..."

(Carpal tunnel of love - Fall Out Boy)
*
guess a couple more hours of web, and i'll call it a day.
... i've had enough lullabies tonight.
*



i trully love these vids... i would love to find this film somewhere, but i just can't manage to do so...

Lucille Ball rocks

*

*guess this must be the place (and even more photos)*

*
my head hurts and i feel lousy. Yesterday i couldn't sleep. i finally fell asleep at 4 am. The night before at 3 am. It's just too hot to sleep, it's uncomfortable. So i am tired and in a bad mood. Last week i rested. This week, despite me being supposed to rest, i hardly did so. Or so i feel.
*
And that screws up my schedule... i mean, do you have a personal schedule for doing certain things? Creative work in the evening, i.e. , labor work and chores in the morning... i do. And i have a problem with the light. i cannot concentrate if there isn't enough light, so at night i find it hard to do crafts in general.
*
So... i couldn't sleep. i tried watching a film, "So i married an axe murderer". Nice, but it didn't help. Then i think, "maybe i should start customizing the things for my number, and make the accessories." The only thing i couldn't get right last night were the pasties. i made two sets this morning... And last night i made these...

crafty material

i just added ribbons to these shoes, so that i can tie it into a bow. Kawaii, ne?

and i added lace to this already lacy teddy. It's my "outfit" for the performance friday. Well, at least part of it.

... a lacy choker...

... and a tea set...

...

a pepper anklet
satin and lace pasties with tassles. These were a bit troublesome. i also made a satin pair for a friend.
*
And i woke up at 7:40 again. i made the pasties. i went to the street market (i know, i shouldn't even be walking around) to buy fresh fruit. i edited the soundtrack for my number, and now i only need one voice sample to finish.
...
i must think of the choreography carefully. i tried some dancing, and it hurt.
...
and in the afternoon i dressed up...


...and went to the doctor.
*
Doctors orders:
- rest
- no walking around
- no dancing till next week
- massage and ointment 4x a day on both legs
- i can only go back to working out and dancing 3 weeks from now.
*
damn! *
Well, i go back to work on wednesday. And i am glad i am off the antibiotics. One week of that and i got an infection. Sucks, i hate those meds.
*
Left the doctor, bought the ointment, ordered my nose drops, weighed myself. Came home. Wearing socks in this heat is awful... and i got welts from the opera lenght stockings on my thighs. Fat thighs... i am generally happy with my body.
...
Most of the time i really like my boobs. i like my eyes, my lips, even my nose. i love the arch of my back, and my ass when i get to work out. i like my fingers and the calfs of my legs. But i hate my thighs, i think they are fat and way too wide. i dislike my teeth and rarely smile in photos. My stomach... And i hate my ears... Actually i would like to get my ears modded to be like a vulcans. They are the right size... Plus, i am now 55,7 kg. When i arrived last year, in may i was 64 kg. Ok, i can see some differences, but i am still not happy with the very same things. Specially the thighs.
...
Edited photos. Read a bit. Ate. Messenger. Fixed something that didnt sound quite right in the soundtrack. Tried to work on the choreography, too tired today.
...
and tomorrow i may have to go out again, to pick up some meds. Bad.
*
So that was it. i hope to be able to sleep tonight. i am in a bad mood, and sore. Tomorrow will be better, i hope.
*

"I ’M nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there ’s a pair of us—don’t tell!
They ’d banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!"
(Emily Dickinson)
*
Listening: Arcade Fire - This must be the place
"Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me in the head "
Wearing: my birthday suit
Eating/drinking: nothing, it's bed time.
*

*recollection*

*
Have you ever used a word, without knowing that very word, only to find out later that you used it correctly and you knew it? i did that last night. Epiphanies are strange.
*
i'm sooooo tired. It's warm today, hot even. i don't sleep well when it's too hot.
*
My legs hurt. i know, mea culpa. i could take pain killers, but i'd rather lurk in self-commiseration.
*
On the other hand, i am quite happy with my purchases from the day, so let's call it a tie.
*
So... the afternoon was spent watching burlesque videos. Fine. i'm saturated. And ready to rock.
*
i read a paper for work, and started to correct student's assignments. But at that very moment, i was overcome by a devastating feeling of nothingness, so i just played Animal Crossing instead. As always. Come on, i have a mortage of 590.000 bells to pay now. That is a LOT of fishing.
*
i really want to take photos. But i don't want to do it myself. i miss taking silly poser photos with friends. Which is the reason i started writing this post in the first place...
...

(old photo)

friends. Once again, i have very few next to me. Mostly work mates, and students that are fun to talk to. My friends are far, or on-line. Will it always be so? i had some friends when i was with Lily, but when we moved, it took me living on my own to make my own friends. Good friends, that i miss now. And now? Making friends takes caring, calling, going out, going to school, having things in common. i feel like a failure, relationship-wise.
...
i really wish i had friends to come over now. Not one, nearby. A lot, on the other side of the screen. But it's never the same.(two friends hanging out at college. RR-2006)
*
i also really want to sort out my sewing supplies. i need drawers for that, and space. It's all a big mess. Awell, i bought crochet needles and thread today. i never crocheted, but i would like to. i'll keep those handy for the day i am so bored i actually feel like crocheting.
*
just a lame post, so let's add some content, at least near the end of it...

"I DIED for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
“For beauty,” I replied.
“And I for truth,—the two are one;
We brethren are,” he said.

And so, as kinsmen met a night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names."

Emily Dickinson.
*

*creation and development*

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

*it all depends on You (and a lot of photos)*

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

*searching*

*
quickly. to say i am sick in love and there is nothing i can do about it...

there is nothing like this in the national market... (snif snif). There are things i can do about the absolute lack of cute things in Brazil. i can customize clogs. i can make pasties and re-do lingerie. But there is nothing i can do about something as delicate as nylons. And that sucks.
*
hum, i'm hungry. Being hungry makes me think of my figure. Once i can, i will heartily go back to working out. Because it makes me feel good. And feel happy with what i see. But... i must go slow on the weight. i know... pin-ups were not very popular in the 1920's, but that is my period. Period. And my body fits the period perfectly, so i just need to keep it fit and firm. i would rather be a Tiller's girl than in the Ziegfeld Follies. Cross my heart i would Mr...
*
i have a to-do list for tomorrow. No, i cannot go jumping around yet. Actually, tomorrow i reach the limit of 10 minutes per hour on my feet. But to-do lists make me feel better about myself.
*
and now, pre-selecting the music for friday's show. Tough call. i have over 4 Gb worth of show music. Well, i better get at it, then.
*
Master is out. i told Him to go spend with His daughter. He did. At least He can breath some outside air. Staying in was also stressing Him out.
*
Yeah, an update as long as these legs! And all that jazz!
*
i can hardly wait!
*

*morning new disease*

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.