Friday, December 28, 2012

Hi old friend

Hi there dysthymia... or is just loneliness? Or does it even have to do with the freaky xmas eve episode where I passed out while we were taking care of my foot with acupuncture and went to my dark place?

Never mind that I painted a huge reminder not to give in to the darkness. It took over again. Like a big fat cushion of foul air it surrounds and immobilizes me. I can't breath. My mouth tastes like tar. I can't stop crying when I'm alone.

I hate the fat face I see in all the recent photos of me. I'm working hard on that but there is much weight to lose. At least another 3 kg till I start feeling again like a human being. I feel lonely but I don't want to let anyone touch me in this state. This mochi state.

We had a meeting last night and even though I was barely there - hi hypoglycemia - I took some mental notes. It's amazing how people notice things I don't, that should be very obvious to me because they are about the way I interact with others. Am I really this self centered? Do I really have to spend my time making a conscious effort to relate to people (because interacting is already an ordeal at times) and noticing how that works on video? Do I have Asperger's? Nah. But if felt that I have been a self centered bitch all along and I have no idea how to change that except for an exhausting self checking at all times. As if my internal dialogue wasn't loud enough.

I need to function today. Maybe it's just the absence of carbs in my diet or the diet itself. Maybe it's that I cut coffee. I'll bring coffee back. I could scream of loneliness. I want to bury my face in my pillow and stay there. But I can't. Not that any of the things on my to do list will bring me $, which I really need. But they are promises I made, and those I must keep.

Nintai, Sweetie. Nintai. Gambatte kudasai! Aja aja, Sweetie. Hwaitting!

Fuck you darkness and this foul tar taste in my mouth.

Weight: 67kg