Monday, February 11, 2013

Who's carnaval?

It's a holiday in Brazil. Who's holiday? Freelancers don't get holidays, no, not the broke ones. My ex, Tanuki, saved my sorry ass with a loan to pay to rent (and it took me days to swallow my pride and ask for said loan). I hear the birds outside singing away and think... yeah, birds never get a day off.

Oh, hi PMS. I need to cuddle up to someone/something and a ton of coffee. And a good book. Or movie. Or even a new k/j-drama. I need a moment to rest. To breath. To be.

This feeling.

So I'm feeling torn apart. Torn between my desire to rest for the day and just eat whatever I want (and can afford) and the need to run twice as fast into my monster of a to-do list. I got stuff done today. Don't get that part wrong. I'm doing stuff too. I'm surrounded by stuff to do. There really is no escape.

But a quiet moment would be nice. A day where I wouldn't feel guilty to skip my 20km power walk (hey, that's working!) and the skin could grow back on my toes. A day to cuddle up and not leave the house. I day I don't have to skype or text or email ou facebook because the person I want to spend time with is next to me.

A day I could cry comfortably. I haven't been allowing myself to cry or despair. Not now. I'm pushing all things past April. April is my deadline. April is when the reality show I was in airs and everything changes. Or doesn't. I'm putting my chips on April and whatever it may bring. Then I'll figure things out. Till then, no real attempts ate getting a job, but just hanging on. Really really tight. I got till April to get my best body, my best attitude, to keep my smile on. I hope May finds me better off. I really do.

I should take the Korean advice to heart and stop doing useless things, as well. Or things that seem useless now. Like skyping with a korean-american cutie who is drawing me in way too easily. He's too young, Sweetie. He doesn't have a job. He's still in school. He lives with his parents. (And the sound of my rationalization is oh so loud). He's cute as hell. He's into bdsm. And has the same fetishes as I. Oh boy. There is a 6 hour difference between São Paulo and L.A. and it's killing me. I'm just sooooooo tired. I don't know where this is going. If it's worth investing my time and energy into. But so far, it's fun. Even if really tiring. It would be really nice if... too many "if"'s honey.

Last night I danced. It's carnaval, after all, and the club was full. I needed the money and the people are fun. But for some reason at some point I felt like a helpless lamb. A piece of meat. Do people really get all this braver during the season or am I putting off sub vibes? I had to shove off at least 5 different guys. Even with my face oh so close to my phone. Not drinking as much has me more aware? I don't know. I mean, even after, while I was eating, some older dude was staring at me for about 40 minutes. I just wanted to curl up and disappear.

Whew. Ok, I got a lot off my chest. Time will not wait to me, so I must follow. I'm in survival mode, at least till April. Keep on pushing, Sweetie. Hwaitting! Gambatte! Nintai! You can make it work. There is only way to go, and it's forward.

At least I nailed my lucky lunar NY meal. Hope it works.