Monday, October 24, 2011

29 going on 16

The past 10 days were odd. Fun, exhausting, strange. I'm still digesting the events and trying to get a hang of life...

Also, not having internet at home for the past 5 days has fucked me up. I blame the housemate on that one. Gonna sort it out asap.

Seriously, for someone who also works from home, responding "Sucks for you", when I complained about the lack of connection was just plain evil. Karma... honey, karma.

Now that I got a shitton of stuff off my chest, lets see if my writers block leaves me.

Friday, October 14, 2011

*Almost 4 months*

4 full months on the 17th. And the world hasn't stopped spinning (except for a few breathtaking moments).
Yeah, I miss you. We had a few more good years ahead of us if you hadn't been... well, you. It was great. And then it wasn't.
You couldn't have expected any other outcome. I am the purest cliché of an aquarian. You asked me to choose between the unconventional and every so often smothering relationship we had and my criative career and passions which include working with my best friend.
So here I am. It didn't have to have been the way it was. It didn't need to get so ugly. But it did. And I'm ok. Most of the time.
The Yom Kippur fast did me good. Most of the resentment is gone. You should try it next year. You need it.
Have a good life. Here's hoping you can find someone who can actually survive on the crumbs of attention you dish out.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

*it get's better, doesn't it?*

It has to... I know it could be worse. I'm lucky my fever and cold last month didn't develop into something more serious... I'm lucky that when I tripped and fell last Saturday I didn't break the glass table I tripped over, and just twisted my ankle. 
But I'm upset and angry right now.
Angry at myself for being too tired to get my work done.
Angry that my nails are gross because I haven't had the time or energy to do them myself
Angry my phone won't work, again, and I can't afford a new one. Or even to get it fixed.
Angry that while I am counting pennies to take the bus to college and already owe the bank money, the ex is doing fine
Angry at myself for not getting a lawyer and settling our separation so that I won't be in a fix
I hate this crap.
And I'm angry the schools I'm waiting to call me to work haven't yet because it's the middle of the module.
Gonna try to get some work done. As soon as I eat (ramen) and rest a bit.

I know, I know... It get's better.

(And here is a sketch of me, and some photos from the last dress I made for Dr. Sketchy's...)

But right now it hurts.

Monday, September 26, 2011

*Picking up my own slack*

After a restful and odd weekend, here I am, lying on my new futon matress. My closet is set up (albeit my clothes still being in boxes) and so is my new pc (although I fail at installing windows, so it's no use till my brother saves me from linux). I dunno if my furniture will actually fit in here, but I hope it does.
I have a huge pile of porn to watch and call it work. And stuff to write. And so on... And I need to put things in the room. But since I don't know what to do first (the urgent stuff is done, ok!!!)... I'll just stay here staring at the ceiling a little longer, wondering what is next.
Oh, and dear ex... Don't be a jerk. Being bitter has never suited you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

*Everyone hurts, sometimes*

2 months...

It's been two months my world fell apart and I have had to be strong
I had to find a place to live (and share a house with a stranger for the first time)
I'm still looking for a job
My stuff is all in boxes and I have nothing to wear
I've been sleeping on the tiny couch for the past 20 days because I have to finish the floor in my bedroom, therefore I have to adapt my bedtime to my housemate's tv habit (and I wake up at 5 am)
I'm trying to figure out who I am on my own

Things have turned an 180... it all feels strange.
And I feel lonely. It happens to everyone, I know. Someday when I'm ready I'll tell the world how it all happened.
He deserves for me to tell.... But not now.
Now I've shut into a shell for the day, earphones on because the housemate is chatty.

I've been sick for the past month and more... no more health insurance, so I haven't seen the doctor.
It's all a mess. A litlle routine would be nice.

Performing this Friday will do me good. Its a Roxie Hart type of love, but love nonetheless.

So here I am. Feeling more lost than Alice, more hopeful than Pollyanna, more jaded than a heroin addict. I am the weaker end for whom it ended badly.

I miss having the focus to study. I miss dance classes and regular exercise. I miss the vocal exercises. I miss Sunday nights spent cuddling and eating candy in front of a random movie. I miss obsessing about silly things as my body and dieting. I miss tightlacing. I feel... shapeless. And I have no idea of how much I weigh.

I don't miss wearing the cuffs and anklets. I don't miss having someone else telling me what to or not to wear. And now that I am "free", I really need me a pair of doc martens (not that I can afford them, but still). Stat.

I think I'm about ready to cry now. I only cried once, for real. So far.
It's just strange to no longer be a "we".

I'll get over it. But tonight, my chest is heavy with anguish.