hey lady luck, over here!

yo, bitch, I've been working my ass off. How about you give me some TLC? Lord know's I need it.

Because having my phone taken wasn't enough. Not getting any paid gigs for the past three weeks and investing what money I had left in my work either. No, now I have to find out that I owe some unexpected cash when I'm almost running out of food. Cash? What's that?

I didn't even make rent this month. Oh fuck. Gonna just keep on swimming for now. And hoping they find another time slot for that reality show that doesn't have to compete with zombies.

Can't a girl get a break?

I'm done waiting

... and too confused to bugged with things like these... or am I?



When all you have to your name is 1 buck and almost all your bills are late and unpaid, what to do? Something. Anything.

And stop waiting. Time to start Hwaitting (fighting) instead!

No, I have not been a lazy ass. I've been working my ass off, but it's all from a long term perspective towards my burlesque group. Money's being invested, and I barely have enough to eat. Well, I do need to lose weight.

It seems like the reality show I shot late last year may not air at all. Yesterday was the date I set to see my life change. It didn't and now the show has no date. I wasn't looking for a job or even more freelance work because of this. And I'm weak. Really weak. I can't be weak now. Quite the opposite. It's time to be strong.

Gotta get things in order. Do I teach English again? Last training I went thru had me crushed. Should I look for a job in my area and write with no soul about things I don't care about? The journalistic coverage of the Erotic fair was just painful to watch. Do I just strip on webcam? Where do I sign up to sell my soul for some chocolate right now? I need to be sweet so badly.

My life is feeling a bit too much like a Korean drama right now. Not cool bro.

Gonna make something to eat with the little I have left and look up things online. At least I still have coffee powder and gas. And I really really need a shower. I'm not gonna even start on how lonely I am. It's survival mode now, no time to think about guys, girls or even sex.

My life is not a 1/100th as glamorous as people must picture it to be. Oh well...

Who's carnaval?

It's a holiday in Brazil. Who's holiday? Freelancers don't get holidays, no, not the broke ones. My ex, Tanuki, saved my sorry ass with a loan to pay to rent (and it took me days to swallow my pride and ask for said loan). I hear the birds outside singing away and think... yeah, birds never get a day off.

Oh, hi PMS. I need to cuddle up to someone/something and a ton of coffee. And a good book. Or movie. Or even a new k/j-drama. I need a moment to rest. To breath. To be.

This feeling.

So I'm feeling torn apart. Torn between my desire to rest for the day and just eat whatever I want (and can afford) and the need to run twice as fast into my monster of a to-do list. I got stuff done today. Don't get that part wrong. I'm doing stuff too. I'm surrounded by stuff to do. There really is no escape.

But a quiet moment would be nice. A day where I wouldn't feel guilty to skip my 20km power walk (hey, that's working!) and the skin could grow back on my toes. A day to cuddle up and not leave the house. I day I don't have to skype or text or email ou facebook because the person I want to spend time with is next to me.

A day I could cry comfortably. I haven't been allowing myself to cry or despair. Not now. I'm pushing all things past April. April is my deadline. April is when the reality show I was in airs and everything changes. Or doesn't. I'm putting my chips on April and whatever it may bring. Then I'll figure things out. Till then, no real attempts ate getting a job, but just hanging on. Really really tight. I got till April to get my best body, my best attitude, to keep my smile on. I hope May finds me better off. I really do.

I should take the Korean advice to heart and stop doing useless things, as well. Or things that seem useless now. Like skyping with a korean-american cutie who is drawing me in way too easily. He's too young, Sweetie. He doesn't have a job. He's still in school. He lives with his parents. (And the sound of my rationalization is oh so loud). He's cute as hell. He's into bdsm. And has the same fetishes as I. Oh boy. There is a 6 hour difference between São Paulo and L.A. and it's killing me. I'm just sooooooo tired. I don't know where this is going. If it's worth investing my time and energy into. But so far, it's fun. Even if really tiring. It would be really nice if... too many "if"'s honey.

Last night I danced. It's carnaval, after all, and the club was full. I needed the money and the people are fun. But for some reason at some point I felt like a helpless lamb. A piece of meat. Do people really get all this braver during the season or am I putting off sub vibes? I had to shove off at least 5 different guys. Even with my face oh so close to my phone. Not drinking as much has me more aware? I don't know. I mean, even after, while I was eating, some older dude was staring at me for about 40 minutes. I just wanted to curl up and disappear.

Whew. Ok, I got a lot off my chest. Time will not wait to me, so I must follow. I'm in survival mode, at least till April. Keep on pushing, Sweetie. Hwaitting! Gambatte! Nintai! You can make it work. There is only way to go, and it's forward.

At least I nailed my lucky lunar NY meal. Hope it works.

Biting my teeth so I don't scream.

Maybe it's my upcoming birthday.
Maybe it's the fact I have less than 10 bucks in my wallet for the week. (Not counting the money I put aside for the kpop show in the end of February - my only birthday gift to myself).
Maybe that I haven't been making much money at all. Even if I am working on things I love.
Maybe it's the fact I'm drowning in debt right now.


I'm pushing down the need to scream and cry. I don't have the time for that. I can't afford the luxury of being depressed. Literally.

I'll be ok. It always turns out ok.
Once again, I'll be the one making/buying my own cake for my birthday.

...

when you meet a new old pair of eyes that makes you want to wear a collar again. Even if he really isn't into bdsm.

I may just learn Japanese now and run away to Japan. How does that sound?

It was a weekend full of work and a Monday and Tuesday off with lots of cuddling. It had been a while since I had allowed myself the chance to go on a real date, with coffee, a movie and dinner. And it was nice to know that this pair of eyes has been interested in me for the past 4 years, ever since we first met (and we hardly spoke since).

I'll sit back, wait and see. I'm curious about this one.

Oh, and the sex was good. Not great, but good. His kiss is mindblowing. That makes it all even.

....

And it's only Thursday but he's already ignoring me. That was quick. I say one thing that upsets him and he stops returning my inbox and text messages. I thought that someone who waited 4 years for a chance to go on a date with me would hold on a little tighter.

Whatever.

...

He just needed time to digest what I said. He want's to take things slow. The risk? If you're slow around me, I'll end up far far away. Awell.

guess who's back, back again...

Good morning my old friend Libido. Long time, no see.

Now tell me, just what do I do with you?

I had the weirdest sexy dreams... well, considering I haven't felt much below the belt for the past couple months, that should be ok.

Let's use that on stage, shall we?