Friday, October 5, 2007

*crossroads*

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read listening to this:

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and she does it again. Yeah, i fuck up again, He explodes again.
...
because it took me all the whatever i had left in me to get up and clean up today... and i spent the day doing it.
.
because i decided my new number (which isnt ready) needed a decent scenario and spent hours painting a stupid shower curtain.
.
because He came home and brought the 6 year old with Him and i blew up cuz they got the floor i spent a few hours cleaning dirty and she started crying because i got mad at Him
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so He just went into the bedroom and ripped our contract.
.
(does it mean He freed me?)
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and left.
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so i don't know what will happen next. And that is scary. i usually have a very good idea of the outcome of things.
.
i guess mesmerized is a good adjective for how i feel.
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i don't want us to end. No matter how distressing it has been to me... is it bad for me?
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me, me, me... i don't want to lose Him.
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so i went ahead and scribbled a "temp" contract. Yeah, it's my blood.

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i'm stunned.
.
what to do?
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where to go?
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do i pack up and leave, and live on? do i stay and suffer through this, and try to start again?
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i don't even know what i want anymore.
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i just don't want to lose Him. i still want to be His... and His only.
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fuck!
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damn it...
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guess there is nothing to do but to have a drink and go to bed. No, just go to bed.
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even taking a shower now, with that razor blade laying around is a bad idea.
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no, i'm not a suicidal person. i think. That is... what if He means it this time?
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i'm tired of being hurt. Thats why i became a slave in the first place. To be kept safe away from me.
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Does that make me a bad slave or Him an incompetent Master?

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tomorrow holds the answer. i'll wait.
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(i just wanna stand by my Man.)
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i wonder how He is feeling now?
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edit: it just hit me that i am feeling very vanilla right now. And that it is not my fault. Ok, some of it was... but He never tried at all.
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all of a sudden i feel like the drowning person who manages to survive, and while reaching shore, notices a daydreaming life guard staring at her.
...
i wish He would try. Harder. What kind of domination is this after all?!!!
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i wish i could sleep... i need to. (Life goes on outside relationships, ya know?!)
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