Friday, October 12, 2007

*kiss my blond ass good-bye*


*
and greet the pink me...
*
It was time to change. Time for a come back. So i woke up yesterday, after a night of real nightmares and decided to put the blond bombshell away and bring back out the sweet pink-haired girl, at least till i heal on the inside. Or until i am booked to be Marilyn again. Whatever comes first...
...
After all, the trip at the end of the month has been postponed, indefinitely. So the last thing i have booked is this sunday, at Converse. And that is it. Which makes me a bit sad. But whatever.
....
i'm bleeding all over my internal organs.
*
"Leave me bleeding on the bed, see you right back here tomorrow, for the next round.
Keep this scene inside your head, as the bruises turn to yellow, and the swelling goes down..

And if you're ever around, in the city or the suburbs, of this town, be sure to come around, I'll be
wallowing in sorrow, wearing a frown, like pierrot the clown..."

Pierrot the Clown - Placebo
*
For those in Brazil, enjoy the holiday. i will use this moment, when parents are dieing in overcrowded malls (a.k.a. hell) because it's children day and most spoiled greedy little gremlins MUST be indulged,

(Ok, so what i'm bitter if my parents never did anything special for us on childrens day because they couldn't afford it... It was hard on them and it was hard on me and my brothers, but that is not the point. The point is a family pic-nic in the park would be much more fun and would teach kids that you don't need money to have fun. My parents taught me that lesson and for that i am thankful. Now back to my ranting).

and that i am alone because the Man is also a father to hide from the world. i wish i could hide from myself right now. Because i am really mad at her.
*
For now. Or till i get the courage to go outside and buy sweets and candies, clothes and shoes for my inner child, who is feeling sick, and deserves to be spoiled a bit.
*
shabat shalom.
*
i take pride in not making sense to people who do not search for anything out of the ordinary.
*
my nightmare... Thursday... the gig.
...
Pacha. Fetish night. He took me, He insisted on it. i could have taken the bus. He brought along our friend to keep Him company because He was not allowed into the dressing room. So the responsible person told them she would bring them the bracelets that allowed them to enter the area behind the Dj booth. And took me to the dressing room.
.
Rehearsed. Make-up. Hair. Energy drinks, no alcohol. Talking to Karina, who would also perform there. Convincing the other responsible person to play my song, which would make things a lot more interesting. And i didn't even fill upset because i was gonna do half of what had been arranged (therefore half the $).
.
1 am. My phone starts ringing. Where is the bracelet? They were still waiting. i asked the person. Ok, no problem, wait. Wait... How many times did i hear that that night?
.
2 am. Still waiting, my phone ringing non-stop. i made a mistake because of something i was unaware of. i asked the second responsible person (the boss of that first one) for the bracelets. Next thing i know the person was throwing a wild fit, yelling at everyone and no-one, specially that first person. Who is probably quite upset at me still. i would be. But come on... i went through a lot more...
.
Text-message. "i'm on, sorry, there is nothing i can do". I couldn't. Not without being the über-bitch and ruining all my chances at working there again. And so far, the $ is still quite attractive. Does that make me a bad person?
.
2:30 am. i dance. i was really pissed off so i probably made for a really convincing Dominatrix. i looked scary.
.
So i think, "ok, now i go home". i tell the people responsible i must leave, He has been waiting for me and has to work in the morning. Ok. Ok? They leave me in the dressing room. 3 am. My phone is ringing. "I'm leaving in 5 minutes", He says. i run up and down the labyrinths of the insides of one of the biggest e-clubs in Brazil. "i have to go, He is leaving", i tell person 2, and then person one.
.
"Ok, we will be right there, here is your CD, it was great", says person 2. So back to the dressing room. Everyone has returned, all the go-go girls and boys. Its now 3:50 am. A third person enters, pays me and takes me outside. i call Him... "Where are You?"
.
"I'm half-way home. I told you i was leaving". Ok... For about 1 minute, everything turns black. Panic. i know people threaten to leaven, but what kind of person actually does? i start to cry. i'm very, very, very far away from home. In scanty clothes. Wearing strange hair and make-up. With half of the money i was expecting to receive. And i had spent the last 3 hours being annoying and repetitive because of Him. To get Him in. To get to Him. Now everyone hated me and i was alone. And crying, which made the makeup even scarier.
.



.
And that is how my nightmares are. The worst ones. i want to get out of somewhere, but i can't. Even when i do, there is something bad waiting for me on the other side.
.
Fine. i made up my mind when this guy asked me if he could do anything to help me, i looked like i was in trouble. i asked him to get me a cab. It was an $80 taxi ride home. Almost half of what i had been payed.
.
And when i got home, He said that i would be punished.
*
Which brings us to today. But first yesterday.
.
As i got up, right after He left for work, i decided... Pink. Again. Marshmallow, chewing gum, eatable pink. Now.
.
Pink clothes. Cute things. And i left to pick up my corset.



.
The loveliest violet satin tight-lacing underbust. And it's mine.
.
Then lunch at one of my favorite places. Japanese home cooking. Ok, not so easy in a corset, but no problems.
.
Walking down on of the busiest avenues in South America at lunch hour. i must have heard "hey Barbie girl" and "oh, Penelope PITSTOP" (Penelope Charmosa, in Portuguese) over 50 times. Whatever.
.
Going to an acquaintances shop. Good conversation. Ice-cream. Taking a crowded train home, running to pick up my dance gear and running back to school. All tight-laced.
.
The feeling is comforting. i swear.
.
Dance class. i have an evaluation next week.
.
Master picked me up. Junk-food for dinner (yummy) and supermarket. It was necessary.
.
Lights out at 1:30 am. And a long night of sleep.
*
So today...
.
He chained my hands as i woke up. When He led me to the hook on the ceiling, i tryed to resist, to stay in bed. He chained me there and went back to bed for a while, until i pulled my make-up box with my feet and stepped on it because i couldn't feel my hands. He got up.
.
He said i needed to be punished for what happened. For making Him wait. 30 lashes. i was glad He couldn't find the riding crop (which is still hanging right over where His head was in bed, hanging from the wall). So He got my pink whip. He told me to count. i didn't. After 3 lashes, He asked me why i wasn't counting.
.
"Haven't i been punished enough? Don't You know how scared i was? It was a fucking nightmare, and i have been punished enough for something i could do nothing about", i cried, while He stared at me with a surprised look because i pushed/kicked Him away. "No", He answered. So He whipped me... i counted in japanese, and tried not to cry... ich, ni, san... dju-ni... ni-dju-ich... san-dju. He didn't stop. Not till it was maybe 50. Then when He thought it was enough, He left me there.
.
He left me there till my hands were purple and the cuffs were cutting into my wrists. He took me down because i told Him these things... And He acts as if He had never torn our contract, as if it was still valid. Is it? Then why won't He say so? If the first contract is still valid, and i am His, He should tell me so. Not avoid speaking of the matter like a child who broke a precious thing and fears being grounded.
.
Speaking of grounded... He grounded me. He had me wearing the large steel plug all day yesterday, while i was out...
.
So He took me back to bed and unchained me. And i am bleeding inside, hating everything that is happening to me. If it weren't Him.. if it were someone else... i would have bashed his head with the stool, and reacted. But i stayed there on my fours, while He fucked me, and wept... And i'm still weeping on the inside, because all the sores are open again and bleeding. Every single one, from every single time someone hurt me, from all the times i was violated and forced to do things i didn't want to. i hurt and bleed and do nothing about it.
.
It's come down to this again. And because i know nothing of what to do about it i write. i write in hope the answer will dawn on me while recollecting the facts and guide me. i know the answer. But its not the one i want.
.
yes, i am a coward.
*
So now i will just go on listening to music, and care for the welts and put my corset back on. Funny, but the restriction is nothing compared to the feeling of support and dignity it gives by forcing one into the correct posture. Then i will tidy the house, iron clothes and put the groceries away. And rehearse for sunday.Maybe even eat.
...
and try to forget everything. Try to still love Him. Try to make the bleeding stop for now. (If i hadn't already bathed i would go for a long run on the treadmill).
*
In the end, i seek what everyone else seeks. Happiness. ... The difference is that i am looking for it with someone who doesn't like my friends (they never do), who thinks i'm too foolish, too superficial, and that i take things too seriously. With someone who loves WHAT i am, not WHO. With someone who won't notice if i change the towels or not, much less notice i match the kitchen towels with the bathroom one that also match the sheets. Happiness...
*
Someone who makes me hate who and what i am. Because i hate being a coward.
*
i want to be in love with life again. i don't trust myself with Him anymore. And now... Mr. "No, you haven't been punished enough"... i don't trust Him anymore.And that, even that, hurts.
*
mood: confused and hurt
now playing: Is the answer in the question - MXPX

"Wonder and complete surprise
It's all seen through those eyes
Tired, lonely and afraid
Every card's been played

So where do we go? And what should we do?
And why is the table set for two?
Is the answer in the question? I need some more direction/suggestions
Was the answer in the question all along?
DA DA DA DA

Love, hate, life and certain death
All in just one breath
Mixed up, straight down, opened, closed down
Created, then unwound"
*
i want life to be pink on the inside, as well. Tears do dry on their own, after all. And i need a drink.
*


edit:

You are Maryiln Monroe

A classic tortured beauty
You're the dream girl of many men
Yet they never seem to treat you right

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