Wednesday, October 31, 2007

*trick or treat girl?*

*
Trick or treat!


Maybe its just that i love to dress up, but there is something about Halloween. i just love an excuse for dressing up.Even if in Brazil it is a party for grown-ups and "English as a Second Language" schools. Ok, i am a holiday freak. i love holidays... And is anyone else looking forward as i am to Zombie walk this Friday? Yeah, lets celebrate The Day of the Dead! (Not to mention we get to take poser photos in fake blood...)


*
What day is today? Oh, wednesday. i've been a busy baker this week... and also... It's hard to do much when one doesn't have one's wallet and purse around. i'll explain later.

.
But things are looking up, for now. Except that every muscle of my body aches. First, i overdid it at the gym yesterday in the morning. Second, it was my first time carving a pumpkin. i knew it was gonna be hard and messy, but not SO hard... Pause: more coffee, another strange cookie and a pain killer. i have two liters of ice tea in the fridge and a couple hours... So this will be a long post, fully illustrated.
.
Anyways...

TRICK OR TREAT?!!!

(Yes, this is MY pumpkin)










*
And the baking part of it went like this:


Cooking is always pure luck and empiricism when i am in the kitchen.


My cookies baking. i don't know what it is about my cookies, but they never turn out right. At least they taste very interesting. That is... the ones that didn't burn.


These muffins are the best. Next i'll try to make Chocolate Smore's muffins. i love to cook... i wish He liked to eat sweets as much as i do... Because i always end up having to eat the stuff i make alone.

And on Monday, when i got around to putting things in place and doing laundry, i baked a Mango cake.Quite nice, but next time i'll try blending the mango first so it incorporates into the dough.

Oh!
*
There is a yearning in me to become someone who is the best of all the me's i have ever been. And to have fun in the process... How i wish You'd tag along.
*
My male counterpart (a.k.a. my workmate/friend who shares the same birthday) told me he had always been the strangest person he knew. Now its me.
...

And everyday people come up to me and tell me how brave i am to being me. What is "me"? And how can anyone be anything that not themselves? "Brave"... i couldn't stand to be another... Even if i am not truly myself. Not yet.
.
i mean... Our feelings are our whole world. My feelings and Your feelings, and yours, and yours... They are the world. Nothing is truly important if it doesn't hurt or make us happy. That is the world.
.
Metapyhsical?

Who? Me.
Why? To be happy.
Where? Inside.
When? Time is a measurement, not an end.
How? Through pleasure.

There is a lot more. But that is what is true, NOW
*
And excuse me if i cannot remember Monday. There was work, and a lazy morning... And not much in between.
...
Yesterday... i mean, how many people do you know that can moisturize/cauterize their hair, carve a pumpkin, back-up music files, do their nails and discuss business at the same time? After having worked out for a couple hours. That was me.
...
They wanted me to come up with an entirely new number in one day... But the $$$ was not good enough for the hassle, so no deal. Which is good, otherwise i'd still be panicking.
...
But the body is sore from yesterdays work-out + jazz class.So i'll give the muscles a break for today.
...
Sunday was ok. i mean, i worried all day about my purse, but we went out with His friends and daughter for Japanese food.
.
And it all leads to the weekend.
.
(Thank goodness for friends)
*

*my alcoholic bedlam*
*
so... the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
.
so we do hope you have a safe trip.
*

!!!

*
This weekend i was a fucking drunken twat.
.
in other words, this Saturday i managed to "lose" my purse with my wallet, documents, mp3 player, notepads and cell phone in my friends car. And i have been without it ever since. And hell do i feel miserable because of that. Miserable and penniless, because my cards and money were in that purse too. Maybe tomorrow i'll have the time to pick it up.
.
long, long, drunken night. Which was predictable considering the day i had.
.
And i also learned something very useful: Whiskey and tight-lacing do not go along very well.
.
The whole fucking day was a disaster.
.
Rewind back to thursday night. Things are doing fine. i have dance class, and He picks me up. "i'm hungry." "Lets go to the bakery to eat something". We go. On the way in, i run into one of the people who applied for my current job and took the training along with me. He asks me about the school. i gave him a quick answer. And i did not introduce the Mr. because i couldn't remember his name.
.
So He pouts. Actually, He shut me off. And left me crying on the hall-way floor half the night.
.
He wouldn't talk to me on Friday. And i had to go to the Regional Encounter. So i went... And spent most of the day crying and text-messaging Him.
.
The Encounter ends. i had promised to dance at my friends birthday party, at a Biker Bar, so i go. i was hoping He would go after me. He didn't. So i got really, really drunk.
*
And forgot my purse in my friends car. Got late to work. And spent the entire weekend worried because my friend only found my purse on Sunday night.
*
Saturday was terrible. The hang-over. And work. i skipped dance class. And waited for Him to come home.
.
He finally did. To tell me it was over. And we had a long conversation...
.
So it's not over. Which makes me happy. After all, i had to beg for it.
.
No, begging does not make me happy.
*
Call me a fool, but as long as there is a tiny little bit of love and feeling still there, i cannot let it go to waste.
.
And there is still a lot of feeling here.
*
...
So i guess it's time to redefine priorities. Maturing and keeping myself in a submissive mind-set is awfully hard, but the least i can do is try. One more time, with feeling.
.
And try to trust Him. He will never be perfect. But neither am i.
.
The least i can do is my best.
*

October has been mostly awful. i'm glad its almost over.

...
i'm praying for a sweet November.

...
We must walk the golden path:
*
And i really, really, really want Friday to happen. Muffins, candy, make-up, girl-friends, good music, fake blood... Pretty pretty please?
*
Time for facing the world. In other words, i have to go to class.
.
i want a new project. Something that makes getting out of bed make sense. Something i enjoy, that lets me be myself and pays decently. But then again, that is what everyone wants.
*
Mood: Sore, full of expectations and coffee.
Now playing:
The Dresden Dolls
The Ripps
Lily Allen
The White Stripes
The Hives
A Dark Cabaret

*

Monday, October 29, 2007

*crossroad*

*
its another crossroad.
.
i either become the independent adult woman i should have already matured into (and i feel rebelling inside)
...
or i force myself even deeper into a submissive mindset as i have for the past two years and turn my life over completely.
.
i know i have always been pretty good at being a walking contradiction... But i guess these two options are too far apart for me not to have to choose.
.
And as usual, i'd rather not.
*
So i have a long day ahead to give it lots of thought.
...
and maybe by tomorrow i will have written something trully important and interesting. But then again, probably not.
*
Don't hold your breath for me darlings. Life is exciting, but so what?
*
And my pumpkin still needs carving.
...

*
Looking forward to Halloween? i'm looking forward to Zombie Walk.
*

Sunday, October 28, 2007

*my favorite sad story*

*

"This is my favorite sad story,
Forget me not or I'll forget myself
I've got quite a few things that I'm afraid of
sometimes I just can't face myself
This is my favorite sad story,
Forget me not or I'll forget myself.
I guess I'll tuck myself away tonight,
you know it's been one of those days.

Every pretty flower,
every lovely flower,
every deadly flower
hides its light inside of shame.

I do not know why you don't know,
I cannot reap what you have sown
Beneath this blanket of loose soil,
wrapped around my mortal coil.

Well a stem is not a rose,
but that's how my garden grows.
I can't see the forest for the trees,
the stinking poison for disease
Now it's all shot to hell and back again.
I seek redemption for the
same old sins and I fall on my knees,
And I pray that all the poppies they
they will just fade away.
But fields of poppies they remain.
That's how they found me last time, dead

...

Irises lay in spring mud,
where lovers drown each other's sorrows,
Where lovers dream about tomorrows.
As for me I drown another kind as
sadness runs course through my veins.
Posie wreaths they crown me.
My heart, My heart
I should just fade away, fade away
Like a flower..."

Flower - Rozz Williams

*

*

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

*someone stole the music while i slept*

*
my nipples hurt. And well, the new big nipple rings make me feel strange. i sort of really liked how my nipples would suck the old small ones inward.


but hell, changes must be made, right?

i hate this rainy and cold weather. Its almost time for my course and i just dont feel like getting out of bed.

and i slept for over 10 hours.

i think Pulse gets home tomorrow. She must have tons of work, so it will be a while before i can even get anxious. But i already am. A bit. Not really.

i wish i knew how i feel. All i feel now is the desire to curl up and hide under the covers eating creamy warm foods.

Evolution? What's that?

...

i woke up this morning without a song. It was scary.
.
i am addicted to food blogs.
*
happy halloween:

*
news? i have a gig this friday. But its for a friend. So its not really a gig, right? Well, at least i get to dance.
...
i must work out. i must wear my corset. And most importantly... i must get out of bed!
*
mood: gloomy
now playing: bowling for soup
*
life is good...
*
EDIT- nightime:
...
i realized something these days. My respiratory problems are psychosomatics's. So much for being a control freak.
...
Yesterday i cried because i felt sorry for someone. i felt sorry because He is so closed, so fixed into what He knows and what does and doesn't matter that He will never experiment the true sweetness of Christmas. Or X-mas. But His heart will never experiment the joy of thinking of others and giving and receiving on one special day. Not to mention other things. i guess it takes a certain "naivety" to enjoy most holidays. Yes, i'm foolish and naive. But there is a lot more poetry to life that way.
.
i cried not because our Christmases will always be incomplete, but because He will never have Christmas. Even the Grinch felt it, why can't He?
...
Another thing i figured out. This afternoon in sewing class, i realized that i actually am very very very sore. From dance class yesterday. Funny... i sometimes take my physical condition for granted. i expect myself to function perfectly at all times, without failure.
.
i expect a lot more from myself than i do from others.
...
Sometimes i am glad i do not live in Europe. i believe i would surely suffer from seasonal depression. The weather forecast promises at least a week of cold and rain...
.
and to think this was Sunday:
.
i depend of sunshine and sweetness to be happy. Does that make me a creature of light? My middle name is Sunshine, after all.
.
No day but tomorrow. Now i must go eat something cheesy. And hope for some warmer and dryer weather to show off my pin-up sandals.
.
night-night
*

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

*the colours faded into darkness and i was left alone*

*
"May I return to the beginning
The light is dimming, and the dream is too
The world and I, we are still waiting
Still hesitating
ANY DREAM WILL DO"
*
just give me something to do...
*
exhaustion has caught up with me today.
*
So only tomorrow. What? Everything, nothing, whatever. Come back tomorrow.
*
and i still got jazz class today...
...
at least i got new pin-up sandals. And a cute Pucca purse (He gave me).
*
guess it will be Mac and Cheese today or i will end up like yesterday... i kept putting off eating and ended up only having dinner. So unhealthy.
*

i think i need a dream. Or maybe an epiphany. But i need something to hold on to. No projects, just maybes. No. Guess this is boredom again. Or cyclothymia. i hope its boredom.

*
mood: exhausted
now playing: Any dream will do - Andrew Lloyd Webber
*
And my heart is asking:


*
edit: my most recent number, unfortunatelly with bad lighting

Bloodshower - my Halloween special

*

Friday, October 19, 2007

*the dangers of lacing a corset too tightly and other thoughts*

*
Its 11:30 am. i'm half out of the covers. Only half. My feet tell me they are still sore, but i have a guilty consciousness.
.
So i'm dragging my half asleep body down to the gym. And i'll post properly when i return. The title may hint what i intend to write about.
.
Later...
*
Ok, so i'm back. And free... i have been trying to write for the past half an hour, but i just couldn't find a comfortable enough position. Yes, because of the corset. As i have discovered, sitting is one of the most uncomfortable things for a tight-lacer. You either stand or lie down, and that is it.
.
But it's heavenly. Even when it hurts, the support the steel structure gives is comforting. The posture is elegant. And the rib-cage only hurts really bad after you remove the corset.
.
i only wore it for 4 hours today. i made it to 8 yesterday. And yesterday was hardcore. But some days i wear it for longer.
.
Isn't it lovely? This photo is from Wednesday night, and it's not very tight.


(Never mind the ugly fake plastic knife, i just didn't want to flash the boobs around).


(Ok, boobies!)
And the relief of taking it off...
*
A parenthesis. Why does the voice of Judas sound better in the Broadway Soundtrack and the voice of King Herod suck, whilst the contrary is true? So i find myself forced to listen to a mixed soundtrack of Jesus Christ Superstar to get the best of it. End parenthesis.
*
And back to the corset.
.
Wednesday i wore it normally, despite the side-effects of Tuesday night (He took me to eat Mexican. Yum). i even found it was too loose. Then yesterday i decided to tighten it a bit more. And as far as history is concerned, corset wearers of the years of yore were not exactly the active type.
.
Well, i am.
.
So yesterday after the dentist i had planned to go downtown Sao Paulo to buy somethings and then to go to the Japanese Quarters to buy beauty products. Which was exactly what i did.

This stuff is actually dangerous in my hands. (Evil giggles).
.
And it was going fine. Until i decided to eat. Well, i had to eat. i hadn't eaten all day, and it was already 3 pm.
...
Which leads to my new addiction... Pearl drink. Cassava and milk flavored pearl drink. But not such a good idea with Karê bread. Specially when its a pint of drink.
...
Then my corset got really tight. The ride home was torture. And by the time i got home my lips were white and my finger tips cold. But i didn't faint. And its a 20 min. walk home from the train station too.
.
Yeah, i win!
*
But until this morning the patterns from the lace padding i was wearing under the corset were engraved into my skin.
*
Guess i should reserve the severe lacing for moments when He is around to appreciate the short breath and the panting.
...
We're planning on getting me tattooed again soon. Not that i need a special reason for new ink, i just love it, but this lettering has a special connotation.
*
i need to start sewing. Really, my ordinary clothes look like blah! over this perfectly shaped corset. i need dresses. Lots of them. And i have lots of fabric too. But...
.
But... its impossible to sew in the corset, so that makes time management a must. Cooking is ok, as long as i wear something to cover it.
...
Cooking. i guess i must get to dinner. i'm trying something new (to me) tonight... Latkes. i just love making things i've never ate before. And i'm going to use turnips in them because that Man is worse than a child when it comes to vegetables. (Evil laugh!!!) But i managed to make Him eat spinach, i'll manage the turnips.
*
i made this on wednesday night:
It's a grape and chocolate tart.
*
Guess i need a Pollyanna moment. Because i feel quite hopeless. Which means i am not really excited about anything right now. No gigs scheduled, a lot of maybes, no certainties. i will try for SG again next Monday, and see a dear friend that was sick in the process because she is lending me her house. The lady Pulse will photograph me, and i hope this is it, and things turn pink. Then i may have to go blond again because of another maybe... a big maybe. A magazine.
.
And there is the fear He decides not to take me and not to let me go to the Tattoo Convention. So i have to be extra sweet till Sunday... Because this is how much i want to go:

(i love Tattoo conventions. And this one will have a lot of nice people, so i'll even go early).
*
Why is sugar so good? i ate that entire bag of candies while writing this...
*
And now... maybe today i'll carve that pumpkin. Maybe not. i wish i didn't have to go all the was to the Japanese Quarters to get Pearl drink. Or Korean ice-cream. Or takoyaki. Takoyaki's always make me feel happy. Octopus... never thought i would eat it and love it.
*
There is also an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical i haven't seen. That is almost a crime in my book.
*
Tomorrow will be a long day. Hope the weather is not this awfully gray.
*
mood: gray
now playing: soundtrack - Jesus Christ Superstar

*

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

*banana muffins and life*

*
i decided to give them a try because we bought a silicon muffin pan the other day and because there were some bananas begging to be used in the fridge.
...
so...
....
Banana muffins (makes 6 large servings):
- 3 medium very ripe bananas
- 1 egg
- 1/3 cup milk

- 2 tablespoons sugar
- 2 tablespoons brown sugar
- 1 tablespoon cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon nutmeg
- 4 tablespoons flour

- 1 teaspoon baking soda

- 1 pinch salt

- 2 tablespoons chopped brazil nuts (or any other nut)

How to:

Preheat oven to 35o degrees. In a large bowl, mash the bananas with a fork. Mix in egg, milk and sugars. In another bowl, combine the dry ingredients. Add to banana mix. Add chocolate chips if desired. Spoon mix equally into the muffin cups. Bake for about 30 minutes.
...
Yum!
*
i'm home cutting class. Not only cutting class, but missing my jazz evaluation. i'm just not in the mood to make a fool of myself trying to perform a choreography i know 25% of in front of a group of teachers. No thanks you, maybe next year.
*
My nutritionist came by this afternoon. She scolded me for not eating properly, told me i gained lean mass and lost fat and tried my muffins. She liked them. And i even forgot to tell her that these are low-fat and have about 200 kcal unit.
*
Ex-compulsive eaters and nutritionists always get along well.
*
i cleaned the apartment and did some laundry today. Other than that i taught one class. Lazy day.
*
i got a box of chocolates at work for teachers day. A box of chocolate and a day off? Something tells me i should stay in this school!
*
i could do my homework for tomorrow now. i could make a batch of chocolate muffins for the Man. Or finish an old dress project.
*
but i much rather sit here and read food blogs.
*
...
hmmm... what should i make for dinner?
*
So, you ask me, its all ok now? Whats with the chipper upbeat tone all of a sudden?
...
And why not?
*
He wouldn't cuddle last night. But i insisted. i always sleep better in His arms. i was bummed, wondering if He didn't want me close. Then i learned why He didn't want to cuddle... i was turning Him on.
...
We had had a long chat yesterday. Which included a lot of things that should have been said a long time ago. And the sex issue came out.
...
So He didn't want to do anything. Not if i didn't want to.
...
But then it dawned on me. The first thing we had agreed that i would be was His slut. If i can't be that, what can i be?
...
And i do enjoy letting Him fuck me most times.
.
So we did it. And i had a couple small orgasms before He was done.
*
Sunday was when i reconsidered. i must hand it to Him that He can be incredibly sweet without noticing at times. Sunday i was in the kitchen making a batch of bruschettas and salad for lunch when we had a small storm due to some sympathy to my narrations in this blog. He was upset. And i started crying, as usual.
.
(having eloquent fingers in opposition to lips can be annoying at times)
.
As i sobbed over the half-prepped lunch He came back into the kitchen and asked me what was the matter. Between tears i raised the onion i was slicing. He laughed. And it was the sweetest when He said that we should stop fighting and opened His arms to me.
.
That and His trying to control His boner last night.
*
This is one of those warm lazy evenings when one eats watermelon and watches something silly.
.
Lazy evenings always make me feel restless.
.

Because lazy evenings are omens of hectic mornings.
*
(honestly, i would rather we didn't part. i like the way we are together, our moments, our jokes, the way He know that i will fall asleep half way through the film... all those small things. As long as there is love and caring for each other, i don't know why we should call it off. Sure, there are things that are not good for me. But for some reason, when He holds me in His arms, the whole world disappears and everything is fine. And in my book, that is all that matters. For now. And i really want to make this into something good. So that if it ends, at the end, it will still feel sweet to look at the memories of us)
*
Guess i'll get back to that laundry. What more could there be to life than blogging, laundry, banana muffins, old photos of good times, chocolates and poetry?
...
(love)
*
Everything tastes better with a little sugar and nutmeg, doesn't it?
*


edit:

*
9:30 is not a decent time for a human being to get up at.

Specially not when one wakes up feeling worthless, ugly, fat and stupid.

But maybe i just had too much chili last night.

Or maybe its just because all my blood is escaping my body from between my legs.

Or because placebo is not a good choice for first thing you hear in the morning.

i think i need a nice long shower to wash the blues away.

And then some jazz.

Maybe some make-up?

And coffee.

So that would be: jazz, shower, coffee, make-up, tidy things up, corset, eat another muffin. Or not.

i think maybe that damn android used the point of view gun on me. But it really shouldn't work. After all, i'm a woman.

-----------------

i want space. i wonder how much a piece of the moon would cost?

i also want a new tattoo. The convention is this weekend. How... appropriate.

-----------------

sing what you can't say, right?!

" You're always ahead of the pack,
I drag behind,
You possess every trait that I lack,
By coincidence or by design,
You're the monkey I got on my back,
That tells me to shine,
You're always ahead of the pack,
While I drag behind.."

Drag - Placebo

"
Fall into you, is all I seem to do..
When i hit the bottle, coz I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all it seems to do..

As the anger fades, this house is no longer a home,
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting, and everything that's true.
Don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting...

...

Stumble into you, is all i ever do..
My memory's hazy..and I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all it's gonna do..

As the headache fades, this house is no longer a home,
don't give up on the dream, don't give up, ont he wanting,
and everythign that's true.
don't give up on the dream, don't give up on the wanting..

Because I want you too..."

Because I want you - Placebo
*
i need chemicals to lift my mood. i just can't do it on my own today. And *hic* caffeine will have to do.
.
Damn that pumpkin begging to be carved in the kitchen.
*

Monday, October 15, 2007

*the fog*

*the fog*

"Its cold outside.
Somewhere, a dog whimpers a distant lament. Or is it near?
Its cold inside. Its cold.

Silently, a white fog submitted the land to its will.
People remain silent.
People shiver and search for shelter.
People hide under the covers.
We have all submitted.

The fog won."

par moi



life is sweet and sour.



------------------------------------------

on a lighter note, my ass on national television:

http://jg.globo.com/JGlobo/0,19125,VTJ0-2742-20071011-305664,00.html

hope my mom wasn't watching that night.
-----------------------------------------

Saturday, October 13, 2007

*down the bumpy road of life*

*
i had forgotten what it was like. Stopping people. People pointing. Children staring. Some people laugh and mock me, others come up to me to tell me how much they loved my look. But it was fun. What? Dressing up Visual Kei - Sweet and Gothic Lolita to do ordinary and casual things. The bad part... it gets scary at times. An old italian man came up to me and kissed my cheek. People stopped me to ask for photographs. And my feet hurt...

...
But it was fun. Ok, a bit painful (shoes + tight-lacing + walking a lot under the hot sun) but fun.








...
And all i have other than that are mixed feelings. i cannot forgive Him but i cannot leave either. He doesn't understand why i am all moody (that + PMS) and keeps making things harder for me.
...
i hinted that He may be losing me . I told Him i will never be a masochist. He called it "natural selection". Guess that means He doesn't care?
...
i won't be satisfied until i see Him cry. i have cried oceans for Him, after all.
*
Random: i'm starting to get a slight tan on the upper part of my body. i hate that. But i just can't make myself refrain from the outdoors.
*
So, saturday.
.
Gym from 7 to 9 am. i MUST work-out if i wish to tight-lace seriously, otherwise certain muscles may lose tonus and i will be forced to always wear a corset. And i am trying to take the TL slow... because of the number of risks involved.
.
Shower. Breakfast. Curling hair. i finally left home at 11. i took the train and the subway downtown Sao Paulo. Some guy stopped me to ask about my skirt. "i made it", i told him. Then this trio comes up to me and takes some photos. i finally am on my way.
...
i buy a fake knife and pearls, red and black lipstick at the costume shop. Cute fabrics, accessories, and parts for making tassles. Up and down hill, in the middle of a huge crowd. i should know better than going to Rua 25 de marco on a saturday.
.
He had told me He would leave home after lunch to meet me at the Municipal Market (which was also crowded). i call Him at 2 pm... He hasn't left home yet and i am done with my shopping. Fine, i wait. i'm hungry but i'll wait for Him to eat the famous baloney sandwich... such a crime. This sandwich is one of the reasons i am glad i now occasionally eat red meat.

The market:
The sandwich:
.
So i wait, and wait, and wait. He arrives a bit past 3 pm. We go shopping for cheese and italian bread, olives, and other typical produce. He makes me carry the shopping, i can barely carry myself. Finally, after 4 pm, we eat.
.
We leave the Municipal Market and head to Liberdade, mostly for Melona (a korean icecream) and because i'm dying for this Chinese jell-o with these mysterious balls inside. Whatever it is, i love it. We have our ice creams (watermelon flavor for me) and head home.
.
Its 6 pm when i remove my corset. i've been wearing it for 9 hours.
.
Photos... tequila, beer, letting Him fuck me (i'm losing sensation again), and watching japanese cartoons.
*

*
And He slept at His daughters house again. When He told me i was half asleep, so i believe the dialog goes a bit like this:
- "I'm sleeping there tonight".
- "Again?"
- "Yeah, it's children's day".
- "No it's not, children's day was yesterday. And You didn't even get me something".
He laughs. - "I was going to but i didn't have time. I didn't want to buy it in front of her or she would get jealous".
- "humph".
.
This dialog only occured because i was half asleep, dressed like a doll and cuddling in His arms.
.
In other words, off guard.



*
Yeah, i can be quite childish. But i love the doll part, surely.
*
End of story, i was asleep by 9 pm. Big girl, eh?
*
And i perform this afternoon, so i guess that despite the ugly ugly weather, i must get up, eat something and rehearse. Its 10 am already...
*
The world goes on spinning, don't it?
...
I´m really confused about everything now. And kind of hoping things will sort themselves out. If only He apologized...
*
this night will always be a bad memory:



Pacha - Wednesday, October 10th, 2007.
(at least i looked ok.)
*
"I was alone, staring over the ledge,
Trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge.

How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,
and the consequences.
I was confused, by the birds and the bees,
forgetting if i meant it.
...
I was alone, falling free, trying my best not to forget."

Meds - Placebo
*
mood: i don't know where sadness ends and laziness begins.
now playing: bill haley and his comets
*