Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A matter of trust

One of the most frustrating things ever, to me at least, is feeling a group of people I work with does not trust my work.

And I mean frustrating to the brink of tears. Seriously. Constant questioning, undermining, handing over things I'd love to do to other people have me screaming on the inside. I need trust.

So I started thinking about trust issues. Before I start screaming outloud, or posting snarky comments online, and so that I can stop deleting half of the things I wish I was responding... time to look on the inside.

I'm having major trust issues. In a way I've never had before. Inner and outer trust issues. I'm upset by a bunch of bureaucrats who don't trust me, true. I don't trust my heart or friendship into their hands either. I started handing it over, and making myself at ease with them but some of our recent arguments screwed that up. And now I'm having issues because I do feel they do not trust my skills. Which is really the most upsetting thing for a workaholic.

All I got is work.

Double whammy. Ops, double insight.

- I'm not all that.  I have moments of genius, but the rest of the time, I'm quite average. I'm cute, I'm funny and I'm hyperactive. I'm also vain, annoying and superficial. And lazy. Time to be humble and really study,    to really pick people's brains. Kintaro Oe put it well: Study, study, study!

- I don't trust myself. Because I know I'm a poser, and I know how lazy I can be, I don't trust myself. Therefore, I'm paranoid others will find out how much I don't know and feel angry they won't trust me. Let those who know, do, dammit. And start trusting yourself to be hardworking and earnest. There's more worth in that. Let the random anonymous dudes online suck up to you and pamper your ego.

I hope this is one of those internal snaps, when one really changes. It would be nice growing up just a bit more. And being less lazy. Admitting I don't know won't make me less special or delightful to be around. Now I get it.

Still, a little bit of praise for small things, when it comes to working with me, goes a looooooooong way in making me want to try harder. Criticizing me is making me shut myself in my own little shell of pain. And that is something decades of therapy may never cure. But I can try.

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