have i been ignoring the signals again? Is it that time again? i spent the last weeks in a surge of hypomania that did not let me see that sooner or later it would be downtime again. Its downtime again? My surroundings tell me so. Everything is soooo chaotic and filthy, and i feel filthy too. i am glad to once more have good friends around me, someone who loves me, things that make me happy... yet...
Master said something that made me happy yesterday. He had to go out with His ex-wife on saturday to buy a HD for her notebook... and while He was out with her He realized how much fun it is to hang out with me. It figures... it takes very little to make me happy. Walking to the restaurant today, with a cool breeze and the sunshine kissing my cheeks, side by side with Him felt just like heaven...
it feels like that at times. Like heaven. But i'm a hardcore drama queen, and i am filled with ghosts that haunt my happy days. Oh those ghosts, oh the horror. i wish i wouldn't let the past hurt so bad, then the present moments wouldn't feel so hard. Silly things like Master being a "bitch" at the Fetish Party and wanting to leave wouldn't make me do things like this:
its what i always do. i panic. And i hurt. And this is the only way i know to let it all out. Ok, not the only way, but the other way is no longer possible. That is, when i lived with my brothers and my parents, i would take it out on the boys and beat the shit out of them. But i have no one to hurt but myself, and i am hurt pretty bad already.
and what else? Must there be something? i should speak what bothers me, but i don't. i just keep it all inside where it will eat at me like a cancer. The scenes, the silences, the insecurity. Didnt i say from the start that i needed to feel safe? That i needed to be a pet, Your pet, so i would be kept safeguard from the pain?
part of me wants to always be Your sweet valentine. The other would like to fly away and never belong to anyone else. As the coward i am, i choose not to decide, and let the current take me.
to less painful shores, one hopes.
But there has been so much bliss, so much joy... and boy am i impatient! So many "i's".
last week... comic books fair.
i have NO gigs booked for now. On one hand, its kind of relieving. On the other, frustrating. Even if i'm nowhere close to what i can get to be (i believe), dancing has become my life. In a sense, the burlesque act can comprehend almost all the of the things that are dearest to my heart: glamourous make-overs, dazzling garments, dancing, jazz, the theatre, risqué acts, among others.
speaking to Master today i remembered the amatuer plays i would write, act in and direct as a child, with the neighbors. Those were fun. Guess show-biz has always been in me, after all.
and this past saturday was the Fetish party. i was a cigarette girl for a change, distributing cute give-aways. Master seemed a bit upset at it, but i did not care a bit. Betty Boop was a cigarette girl, why can't i be? Oh, and why can't i be the sweet cutest of all Betty?
All i know is that i dont remember getting home, and that i had a bad hangover yesterday.
plus i woke up to the sound of Master having a discussion on the phone, with His mother, over me and the "bad" influence i am. Still because of the wedding incident, but whatever. But how foolish of them to say that my knickers were showing under the dress when i had on thick black stockings and nothing could really be seen. Blah!
Some anime and a fuck (after over a week of nothing) and bed-time.
And another one this morning. Staying in bed all day with the one you love is fantastic. Then a walk to the restaurant, interesting conversations, and packing His bag. But He will be back tomorrow.
and i really should put things in place and clean up. But this weight on my chest overwhelms me, stranding me to the bed. So the day was spent editing music and photos... i guess i'll watch some anime now... or some TV. Nah, i'm too lazy to stay in the living room too.
i want my blackbirds to be bluebirds again...
i've been to the 1920's, the 40's and the 50's recently... i suppose that i have a crush on the 30's right now.
oh those lovely ladies of screen and song. Why can't i be a lovely lady too?
i know... something special.
tomorrow life will rush by again. As it always does. Night night...
"Perfection is a trifle dull. It is not the least of life's ironies that this, which we all aim at, is better not quite achieved." (W. Somerset Maugham).
(and i am still craving for new ink and piercings. Guess i will have to tattoo that arm next... that way i will stop cutting it up). Or glamour, give me glamour. And it will fill my life with joy!