Sunday, April 15, 2007


i have been trembling since last night. and i can't make it go away.

i am afraid i won't make it thru today.
i am afraid i don't want to make it. ever.
i am afraid i won't make it over you.

i don't feel like taking that leap of faith. i feel like giving up.

for good
(placebo). give me meds. give me something to numb this pain. i have been abused, inside and out, time over time, and the pain has taken over again. everytime something happens, it's not just what happens. it's everything that has ever happened before. all of it. my baggage is just too heavy for anyone. even for myself.
i am sick from my stomach. i don't want it to be this way. but it is. again.
fuck that i had so many plans and wished for a beautiful life. fuck that i was living a lovely lie. fuck it that people will ask themselves why. fuck the ones who cared, fuck the one who didnt.
fuck me for being such an ass
fuck it all. if this is over i will not go on with anything else. fuck it if you had plans for me. fuck it.
fuck my mother's sadness, my father's depression, my brother's reactions.
fuck that soon it would have been a life with a little less of pain: i am tired of crying.
people have done what they wanted to me long enough.
fuck it that my new shoes won't be worn more than twice. fuck it that my plush animals will be orphans.
fuck it if i come back again. fuck it if i don't. someone just hit the fuck it mode button. and i am afraid it will not go off again.
the only thing to do is jump over the moon...
no... no leap of faith, not one song glory, no today for me tomorrow for you, no take me out tonight, no rent, no restaurant in santa fe. no more empty hope from the mind of a dead man.
easy to say bunch of crap. i want to stop trembling.

"tick - tock
tick - tick - tick - tick - tick - tock
i'm unclean, a libertine and every time you vent your spleen, i seem to lose the power of speech, you're slipping slowly from my reach. You grow me like an evergreen, You never see the lonely me at all i...Take the plan, spin it sideways. I...Fall. without you, I'm nothing. Without you, i'm nothing.Without you, I'm nothing.Take the plan, spin it sideways.Without you, I'm nothing at all."

what will it be? the chocolate in the cupboard, the vodka in the freezer, the window in the living room? i can't do it. sorry.
"Protect me from what I want...
Protect me protect me
Protect me from what I want...
Protect me protect me"
"A song to say goodbye,
A song to say goodbye ,
A song to say..."
there are no knights in shining armor. no hero to hang on for. just the pain.
still shaking.